kzswindow

It was a scary week. I've been in a lot of pain, and frightened and feeling more alone and helpless than I have felt in many years.

I had a meltdown, returned to work, felt sick all day and wondered if Wally would even be here when I came home, after all of the things I said... would he stick around. I wondered if I should come home. Perhaps I should find a place to stay in Twilight. I need a place to sleep. 

I came home and was greeted at the door with an embrace that was like the first time we held each other... I love you no matter what and I never want to be without you kind of embrace.

Dani came in and told us that she was planning to go out with Bruce to the mall and spend the night at her house. It was kind of surprising that Dani was even hanging out with Bruce again as she'd proved to be... um, not a very good friend. 

I call her "Bruce" here because she reminds me of the comedian, Lenny Bruce... in a way. Although she is a girl and a fabulously beautiful girl, she is all messed up and incredibly abrasive and offensive to my senses. 

Dani looked so darn gorgeous and I felt my heart swell with pride that somehow I've raised such a level-headed, intelligent young woman. We hugged her and she went on her way as Bruce's mom showed up to pick her up.

I was tired and hungry... so we decided to make a grocery run. It's hard to buy groceries without a car to haul them home in. It's hard to make the trip to the store on foot when you've been going for over 20 hours straight. 

I had the thought of using one of the kids rolling suitcase things to carry groceries home in. Wouldn't that be easier? We could just pull it. Right? It has wheels. 

So, away we went to pick up a few things for a delicious dinner... 

It turned out to be a rather easy trip for a change. The rolling suitcase was a good idea. 

We'd only been home for a short while when the door opened and we were surprised to see Dani... in tears... Behind her stood a very tall female police officer.

I was on my feet and at the door. 

Yes, I'm her mother...

She was caught shoplifting at three stores in the mall. Two stores are pressing charges. We're going to court.

WTF?!?!?! I could not have been more surprised. 

I was then directed outside for a private talk with the cop. She wanted to confirm who I was and who the girl was that was with Dani, which I did. Bruce had taken off and left Dani holding the bag, so to speak. Come to find out, Bruce has been in trouble for this several times before.

Then she told me that in the process of the search they found "a bunch" of condoms in Dani's backpack and felt like I should be made aware of this. 

"Oh, I'm aware," I blurted out. "You are?" she asked.

I was reeling, "Did you say a bunch?" I asked. "Yes," she said, "You were aware of this?"  

I paused not knowing what to say and feeling like I'd already said the wrong thing. I can just hope that the cop saw my confusion.

So, she's banned from her favorite place... the mall...

So, we're going to court and this is going to cost a lot of money. So, she's getting a job to pay for it. 

So, the scholarship she's been working towards for the last two years is shot to pieces. She no longer will qualify for it since she's now in trouble with the law.  

So... I am heartbroken.

I wasn't going to post this.

I tried to and then I lost it and then I thought it was for the best, so I let it go. 

It was a bad week. I got hurt and seriously thought... this might be it for me... If I don't have my body... well? I'm done for. It's all over. I was in so much pain I could not see straight, or think straight, or anything else. I fell flat on my face. 

And that is what it was. 

I found this post... so here it is...

I'm sitting at the TreeHouse wasting time working on getting members to join my art site until my shift starts at Twilight. 

I'm anxious to go back dreading going back to work tonight since I called in yesterday. I certainly can't afford to miss work. I'm well on my way to being homeless but nobody else seems to care hahahaha  *laughing hysterically*   I was really in no shape to work last night. I'm not sure I'm in any shape to work tonight either but I might as well go down fighting. and alone. 

I had a job interview at the Co-op place that I've been wanting to work at. It was all weird. The deli manager that I met with looked like an unmade bed, had a good few days of beard growth and his name tag on upside down. His assistant had pink hair and purple lipstick. I don't want to work there anymore. I hope I'm hired there but I doubt I will be. 

The job they're offering is a big fat joke  pretty good. They promise nothing and want everything. Yes, it is a typical "JOB" here in Washington State. It is SOOO GREAT!.  They guarantee 8 hours a week. I have to be on call 7 days a week from 6am to 10pm. I need to be always available. Yeah. It's the perfect second job.

With MY luck I'll probably get it.! HAHAHA!

It's been a wonderful horrible week so far. I got home to find that I lost one of my gloves... one of my good gloves... expensive, warm gloves... something that I probably WILL NEVER be able to replace cannot replace right now. 

I went on to work that evening, (Thursday? I guess.) and I fell off the bus at my stop in Twilight. I hurt my back and my hip and now I have this weird piercing pain under my arm. I didn't tell anyone about my fall because I'm sick to death of the "my little clumsy oaf" jokes I didn't want anyone to know. 

Luckily I had a spare uniform at work to change into. I went on to The TreeHouse to hang out until they kicked me out closed. I made it through my shift although I was in pain and I'm losing my shit from lack of sleep  without a problem. 

I don't know how I got home but I made it... minus my computer... minus my mind, and minus my other, grey, very heavy, warm gloves...  Yes, I lost ANOTHER frikking pair of gloves. 

I managed to pick up my paycheck, miserable pitiful thing that it is, and realized that once again not matter how I cut it I am short for rent.  I've been killing myself and I can't make rent. Danielle is making out her Christmas list and I can't make rent. 

Since I lost my car, my work days are 18-20 hours long with the commute. I'm a crazy person looking for a second job. I have no idea how I'll fit it in, there goes my two hours of sleep every day but I'm looking anyway.

I think I am totally screwed and I cannot do this by myself. 

Now, I am hurt and nobody gives a flip and I have to keep going anyway.

I asked Wally to help me... He says, "I know... Why don't you just rent a room in Twilight? Won't that make it easier for you?" I don't know why I was shocked and surprised.

I found my computer. The nice little girl at the TreeHouse had it locked up for me. I haven't found my gloves. Oh well. 

Then last night the door opens. Weird, because Dani was supposed to be out with her girlfriend, Bruce, and spending the night... In walks Dani with a cop behind her... a cop that wanted to speak to me. 

I just love it when my kids are escorted home by cops. 

 And it begins...

I'm starting another work week... four nights straight at Twilight. 

Right now I'm sitting at "The Treehouse" (coffee shop) dreading closing time as it approaches and I'm not sure where I'm going to go next. Will it be Creepy King's or the old breakroom at work? I'm finding it a bit difficult to be transient. 

I'm also wondering why half of the text on my computer seems to be showing up in Japanese or something... 

I'm already looking forward to having my shift as a baker at Twilight be over and done with tonight. Ah well, it should go by quickly.

Tomorrow morning when I'm off I'm planning to go to BlobLife to donate plasma and then I have a job interview. The co-op place called me back. I was too late for the bakery position but there's a spot in the deli. I'm not real sure about this but it is "in town", close to where I live. I could walk there if I had to. I have been wanting to work there. (This is my third time applying.)

I just have very mixed emotions about it. I really need a second job but I'm wondering how I'll fit it in. I suppose I'll just worry about that if I need to...

It seems like no matter how hard I try to run my own life, it just keeps running me instead... 

 

 I made it through another work week. It was easier this time, yes a little bit easier. 

 Last week didn't go as well as I thought it would. I was not as prepared as I thought I was. I guess most of all what got to me was that I knew it would be tough, but it turned out to be a LOT tougher than I thought it would be. I went for 72 hours straight pretty much. I got 4 hours of sleep during those days... total... 

 My initial enthusiasm about going car-less is fading fast. Today was a rough day... or was it yesterday?... I dunno... yesterday did not end for me... I am still going. 

I've been having sleeping problems again. Of course along with sleeping problems comes "getting up" problems... sometimes... after I finally get to sleep that is.

When I do sleep I could sleep through ANY alarm clock. Heck... a cannon blast wouldn't wake me. When I get like that I could sleep for hours and hours too... sometimes around the clock. Usually that happens after days and days of very little sleep.

Actually this is NOTHING. I used to be much worse.

I think I have figured out WHY I have sleeping problems sometimes.

I think this happens when I am not comfortable in my own skin.

I remember the days when I was in Florida and living "the American dream" with Jake, I was so unhappy, everything was such a lie. It looked sweet from the outside but it was so sour on the inside. I couldn't deal with feeling so fake... No wonder my sleepwalking episodes became more frequent!

Out here? I don't know if I can describe it... I'm happy. I've been struggling here but I'm happy. Things make me mad and frustrate me but I'm happy. My finances are to a state of emergency but I'm happy.

I'm handing over my bosses car keys tomorrow.

I can't keep that car any longer. I am NOT comfortable in my own skin because I'm using that car. I don't want to face Mr. All-American day after day and have that question between us... WHEN is he getting his car back?...

It makes me dread work, (at a place I really enjoy working at) and makes me hate waking up each day. I don't want the evenings to end and have to go to sleep knowing that I'll have to go in and face another day. I'm either full of anxiety and I can't sleep or I want to sleep through my entire life... just sleep forever.

I can't do it anymore.

He wants his car back. I have to give him his car back and thank him and be done with that.

It was a band-aid... not a fix.

It was a nice band-aid, but now I have to fix it.

I don't have a car yet. I don't have enough money for one. I have to have a down-payment at this point. Even if I did I doubt I could swing the payments. Being hopeful is good. Being hopeful in my case has been my downfall. I've borrowed money thinking that something will come along next week... yeah well... it didn't... but NEXT week it will, and so on and so on.

Paycheck loans are POISON. Don't ever EVER take out a payday loan! (unless you are about to be evicted... which is what I did) Still, it's bad. The 394% interest is killing me.

"The poor get poorer."... "It takes money to make money." ... Both phrases ring true in an Americans life... But I personally cannot believe either one of them. I think the poor can get rich and you can make something out of nothing and that you can make money, maybe a lot of money even if you don't have money to invest.

Ahh, there is the dreamer in me... fell off the turnip truck... bumped head real hard... listening to the stupid media as they tell of rags to riches stories and how social security recipients don't get a cost of living increase this year (the first time since 1975) because we have no inflation.

Hmmm... I'm just an average bear. It seems to me that inflation already inflated and exploded. What we have on our hands here is a depression but nobody will say it out loud.

I was hoping maybe today... I'd have enough for a down-payment on a car, but my paycheck was putrid and even with my pay from the paper route and BlobLife, it's sad. After paying a loan payment it's worth tears. I didn't cry but the fact remained. It is not enough.

I don't know what will happen from here, but I think I'll sleep better returning Mr All-American's car.

I was frightened out of bed by a fierce polar bear.
 
He was hovering over me calling out, "BOO!... BOO!" in a little kid's voice. He is a puppet. ( not many people know that, but now you do.)

I had to get up.. quickly... laughing uncontrollably, I had to get to the restroom, like, right now!

It got me up and got me to work another graveyard shift in a good mood.

I love that. I love the man I'm with. My life would be perfect... if only... I could survive financially.

I'm trying. I'm giving it my BEST...but I'm not making it. I have to face that.

I have lost my car.

I think I'm very close to losing my apartment.

Our home.

We went out merchandising today. Fun stuff really. We gripe about it but it's a great job all in all.

We also looked at cars. Hmm. I want one. I need one. We found one. A great deal. I have no money.

Nobody understands how much "no money" I have... except me.

I don't have dollar store money... I don't have grocery money.

I can't borrow. I have no credit. I have nothing to sell... nothing left to pawn. I have no resources at all left.

I have 21 cents to last me through this week... from tomorrow to next Friday... I have 21 cents. We vacuumed the couch... that's it.

I have nothing left.

On Saturday I'm returning by bosses car.

I'll have no car. That'll make it tougher to find work or get to the work I have... and... we're heading into winter.

This is bad.

Told ya it was scary.

My workweek is over from Twilight for the moment. I have the next couple of days off. Actually I have three days off this week, for the first time since I started there. I have been full-time... the past couple of weeks my hours have been dwindling.

My boss is wanting his car back and has announced his puzzlement... It has been a month, why haven't I found a car yet?

I told him the truth. I just paid rent and everything else was due at the same time too, so I am broke. I asked him if I could have one more week. I'll return his car on this Friday. I left it at that. I'm done going into details over it at work. It's hurting me more than helping me.

Even if I COULD finance a car right now, I obviously cannot afford the payments. If I could I'd still have the Sonata. I also don't have a few hundred laying around to pick up a junker to push down the road. My magic hat is out of money.

My hours are being cut more and more and now I am being told to still remain available just in case they need me to work over or come in on call. OH don't take work anywhere else because we MIGHT need you... *rolling my eyes here*...

My problems have become common knowledge because I confided in RuffMuff.

I don't know why I bother.... Why do I make the same damn mistake over and over again? WHY do I have the tendency to think that someday I will find a real friend that happens to be a woman?

Now, don't get me wrong here. I do not mean my internet friends. I think I am closer to my online friends than any of my "real life" friends. That may sound sad but it is true.

I'm talking about my "real life" and people I see everyday.

I thought that Dreamer from Blobbins would be one. I am still not sure what happened there.

Now I thought RuffMuff could be one. She has helped me more than I can say. She's been very close. I've gone to her house. She's been here. We hang out. We work together. We email and voicemail.

It was like everyday, everyday, everyday... and perhaps, just maybe a bit too much for me.

The crap started to fly at work.

After my shift at Twilight I was picking up a few groceries when I was stopped by my store manager to talk.

There are concerns.

The concerns are about my production level... my speed. RuffMuff says this... RuffMuff says that... RuffMuff says that she is 50% faster than I am. With my experience, I should be faster. Of course I shouldn't be as good as RuffMuff is... but...

Why was I in shock? Why couldn't I believe it? This has only happened to me two hundred thousand and twenty six times. Why am I surprised?

Why does a friendship turn into a competition with women? She's 50% faster than I am? What is that about?

I told him I'd been fighting off a cold and maybe dragging a bit. I'd pick it up.

I did NOT tell him that I'd been working two other jobs. I just had my car taken. AND above all... I am NOT really a baker! I did NOT tell him any of that.

I feel the need to disentangle myself from my relationship with RuffMuff.

It's been a rough week.

Hours at work are being cut slowly but surely. This time I wasn't surprised, but it's still so weird. I'm used to Florida where the winter is slammin' busy. Up here? Well? It's not.

I pulled a hot rack of bagels out of the 460 degree oven and it started to tip over on me. I thought it was a gone'r really... thought I woudn't be able to catch it... hold it... push it back up... yes, the rack that was taller than I was and all of the hot pans of bagels were coming right on over at me. If I lost my hold or my footing the whole scalding thing would fall on top of me as I went down.

Truthfully, I don't know how I saved it from toppling. I turned my face away from the blasting heat and put my forearms up to keep the top trays from sliding out at my head. I put one foot on the bottom of the rack and quickly shoved with my arms in a deperate attempt to set it back up.

Two trays near the bottom still spilled out, bashed my shin even as I was jumping back and bagels spewed all over the floor. Cornmeal flew everywhere... and I stood there in awe with a hole burned clean through the bottom of my shoe... but no blisters on my skin... my arms were fine... and I wasn't laying sprawled out on the floor pinned under 400 pounds of hot sheets pans, bagels, rack and all...

I told RuffMuff about my close call after she got back from lunch break. I didn't make much of it. "We need to get the wheels on that rack greased. It about came over on me," I said. "Are you serious?" she asked. (we are bakers... she knew exactly what I was talking about) "I bet THAT got your heart started!" she said.

Oh yes... yes it did indeed.

But I didn't get burned...

I got burned later on (in a different way) when I least expected it.

Yes, I know I spelt "idea" wrong...

We've been busy. Life has been going on and on.

As for me I've been most busy at the bakery impersonating a baker. They still don't know that I'm not really a baker, I'm a specialty cake decorator. It doesn't matter much. I'm doing a baker's job, I'm good at it, and I enjoy it.

Wally and I do a merchandising job on the side. It is an odd job... full of "odd" jobs.

This week I worked my bakers shifts at Twilight and came home to go back out to service movie machines, put coupon on condoms at two grocery stores, restock videos at an office supply store, and pull recalled make-up and do an overall complience check at two drugstores.
Wally is now doing all of the paperwork for these things which is a great relief to me.

Friday was our glorious paper route day. On Friday I go pretend to be a baker from 12 midnight to 8:30am then rush home to change and we go pick up our papers.

We just deliver these free-bee papers... not the real newspaper or anything. But still it's 691 papers and 88 stops that are all over this area, not just this town. It's a pain in the hind-end but it's income. I'm not going to complain.

Just since we've started this our towns newpaper has stopped the presses, everyone was laid off. Our newspapers are printed in another town and transported here. Sad, huh?

Wally and I have gotten into a routine with our "paper route" now. By about 2 or 3 in the afternoon he brings me home and finishes himself. I'd like to continue on with him but by then I've been going about 15 hours straight and I'm really just about dead.

Yesterday, Saturday, I worked at Twilight that night, came home, and at about 9am I fell over.

Things were going on but I just couldn't open my eyelids.

I think it was about 4pm when I awakened a bit to the heavenly scents of beef cooking. Wally and Dani were giggling in the kitchen. Then there was a knock on the door.

It was Tony.

I got up then... although everything was aching. I gotta see my blue-eyed boy.

Dani was doing her "project" for Home Economics class, which was to cook a dinner for us, learning one of our old family recipes. (which was one of Wally's recipes...beef stroganoff a'la wah'ley)

Tony was by himself for a change... (Bluster was NOT glued to his butt.. YAY) and frankly, I think the only reason he came by was becaue he didn't want to go home.

We had a really good evening talking and laughing together. Tony even stayed for dinner.

He's been scrambling looking for work. I told him I could take him out with me. We'll both look. I need a stable part-time something before winter hits and my hours at the bakery get cut. He definately needs to find something... like anything, soon.

Dani's meal was great and afterwards we all started to really talk.

It turns out that Bluster is going to get full custody of his newborn daughter, and Tony will take care of her if anything happens to Bluster.

*CHOKE*

( The mother has been taking care of her and two other older children from a previous relationship.)

"Wait a minute," I said, "How can Bluster take care of a child?"

This man is unemployed.

"Oh well he gets 750 a month for disability, plus 200 a month food stamps," Tony said.

I think all of our mouths fell open. Dani said, "Do you know how much diapers cost?"

Ah, it would all be okay because Bluster was really an "inventor".. THAT is what he does. He's going to be a millionaire.

Whew, what a relief!

He has invented a revolutionary backpack. He already has people interested in it in Seattle and the military is interested too. It's bulletproof. It also has a nice add-on of a baby carrier on the front, also bullet proof, of course.The only thing holding him back is that he doesn't have a ride to Seattle.

I busted out laughing at that point. I was the only one laughing. Wally, Tony and Dani just looked at me... so I apologized.

Oh, Bluster also has another project going... An American African Safari... just let your imagination go there... it's a hunters dream of going on Safari except you can do it right here in America... oh soo many things wrong with that idea.

We were told that Bluster already has a Grant for 100 acres of land for this project but he's refusing it because he needs 250 acres.

Yeah, riiiiiiiiiight...

Tony left and we all sort of sat here stunned for a while.

I don't want to squash anyones dreams... Oh, I have so many dreams of my own.

Maybe my dreams are as silly as these... Maybe I don't know how stupid I am.

After Tony left we discussed what he'd said and giggled, then before we knew it we were having fits of uncontrollable laughter.

"Well maybe Bluster WILL be a millionaire," Dani said.

"The man can't even figure out how to get himself to Seattle!" I said.

My boss has been lending me a car.

This whole thing is rather stressful for me.

Mr. All-American has been really nice about this even though he was pretty much pressured into it by RuffMuff. I'm very uncomfortable but I need a car to get to work... and I promise I'll take really good care of it!

We went down to Twilight to pick it up. As we walked out with car keys in hand I remarked about how incredibly NICE people are here. "What do you mean?" RuffMuff asked. "Well? Where I'm from...," I started. "People wouldn't piss on ya if you were on fire," Wally finished. RuffMuff turned around to us with a startled smile, "Some people in this world are good," she said.

Quite right.

So things kept going. I returned to work at Twilight. Wally and I started doing the merchandising job again and the paper route.

I had to pawn my computer again to make rent.

Starting Dani back up into school, high school now, proved to be expensive. Her ASB card alone was 75 bucks... and pants for yoga class and more little odds and ends.

At work the store manager came by to say "hi" and Oh... to mention that they got a letter from the UNION. "Are you going to take care that?" he asked. "Oh, yes, no problem," I said as sweat rolled down my face. I was in the middle of frying an order for 117 dozen donuts.

Great..

You know what? It's really starting to bug the crap out of me that everyone knows my business.

It pisses me off that the stinking UNION informs my employer when I am late on dues. In fact it chaps my ass that anyone even has to pay "dues" in order to work in this day and age.

Everybody knows how broke I am. EVERYBODY. I'm not trying to broadcast it but it's out there...

It's bugging me that now I am dependent upon these folks for an income and transportation.

I'm thankful. I can't really believe it, I can't believe what help I've been given and I feel very lucky... but at the same time I don't like it.

A knock came at the door... It was Tony... and Bluster, of course... ( that guy seems to be glued to Tony's rear end)

Tony brought us plums and a computer charger cord. ( with that cord I could start up my way old very first laptop computer.. that is broken... screens blown out but it works with a monitor.) Oh and the plums were so sweet!

Bluster said, "You should be SO proud of Tony! He's gotten on unemployment, and food stamps, and has medical insurance now! AND he's put in 8 job applications just this week!"

Oh, did I forget to mention that I found out that Tony got fired from Squareburgers the same day my car was repossessed?

I'm sure I went pale... Tony smiled at me weakly and his icy blue eyes made me melt. I hugged him. He knows I'm not exactly "proud" of him right now. I know he's doing what he has to do to get by for the moment.

I'm doing what I have to do too.

When I was off from work my real adventure started.

I'll tell you one thing for sure. When you see a town on foot, you get a whole different perspective of it. You get to see all of the details. Places that I'd passed a hundred times in my car I was getting to see with a magnifying glass. It was almost like I'd never seen these things before.

I left work to go to the bus station. From the map in the bus schedule book it looked like it was right across the street. I crossed the street and didn't see it so I stopped and asked for directions. From there I went the wrong way, not because I was told the wrong way, just because I am me. (hmm... did she mean THIS street? or THIS street?) I finally found the station and I was lucky to only have a five minute wait for my bus.

Years ago when I was first on my own and I didn't have a car yet, I rode the buses around Tampa. They were torn up and dirty, and the strangest people you ever saw were on them.

The buses here are amazing! They are very clean. I mean they are seriously nice. The drivers are so friendly it's almost creepy. Everybody says "hi" to each other and folks thank the driver as they're getting off the bus. I swear it blew me away... here I was all ready for addicts, punks and weirdos... gee...

It was a 20 minute ride from where I work to the town I live in. There were stops along the way but most of them had nobody waiting there. We did stop once and picked up this young man that looked like he came out of the 1950's. He hooked his bike up on the front of the bus and boarded. His hair was parted down the side and slicked back in a short cut. His trousers had a crease, argyle socks, loafers with tassels, a knit vest... geeez... lke he stepped right out of "Father Knows Best" or something. Then I noticed he was looking at my crotch. His eyes darted away when I noticed. Hmm. Whatever.

Before long we were at DotDot station in my town and I had about a half hour to wait for my next bus. I wasn't going straight home. I had to make a payment on a loan. So I was trying to figure out the best way to get there. Funny how the bus routes were mapped out but the stops weren't. Just the main stops were listed.

I walked over the the market across the street to use the ATM. It was odd. It seemed like everyone I encountered was looking at me funny.... Ohhh... I told myself, it's all just because I FEEL funny doing this. It's all different for me.

I got on my next bus. I put on my friendly face and everything because everyone was being so nice to each other... but folks seemed to look at me strangely and avoid me. The nurse across from me, glanced at me, then got up and moved farthur away. An elderly woman smiled at me then looked at my knees and hurried to the back of the bus. Then this burly man got on... another one staring at my crotch...

That made me look down.

My fly was WIDE-flippin-OPEN.

Oh... my... ga... Let's see... I went to the restroom... before I left work??!!!?!?!? Ohhhhh NOOOoooooo!

I immediately zipped myself up... right there... just like that... heck... no point in being shy by then...

So, okay the "weirdo" on the bus turned out to be ME.

By then I realized I'd gone way past where I needed to be. I got off on the next stop and walked from there.

A couple hours later I'd taken care of my errand and decided that the quickest way back to DotDot station was to walk. So, that's what I did.

From there I got on the bus that would take me closer to home... only to find out that it was running the opposite direction than what I thought it was. As we stopped at the BeeHam station downtown I knew that it would only be three more main stops until I'd be almost home.

But then the bus switched over. The route would be REVERSED! What the heck? The next bus going the direction that I wanted was a half hour wait away. I figured that I was best off just staying put on this bus in that case although my stop would be one of the last ones. So, I stayed put to keep riding.

When I woke up we were pulling into BeeHam station AGAIN... Uh, did I doze off? Where AM I? OH NO! I slept through my stop!!!! I want to go home!

I got off the bus then and figured I'd better get myself alert to figure this out.

Then I heard my name being called.

I turned to see RuffMuff in her SUV. She offered me a ride and I hopped in.

"What the heck are you doing here?" she asked, "Where's the car that Mr All-American brought into work for you to borrow?"

"Uh.... What?... What car? I was off before he got there," I said.

I had three days off in a row. Monday night the car was towed so Wally called in for me and let me sleep, so I missed my shift Tuesday. Wednesday RuffMuff worked for me on my promise that I'd work Friday for her. Thursday I was scheduled off.

Tuesday and Wednesday I was on pause... stuck on stupid... I just had no idea what to do. I couldn't really piece together two complete thoughts... so I pulled out my sketchpad.

Thursday I was ready to "do something"... gotta find a car, I'll figure out something... something will happen. RuffMuff came by to get us. While she did one of the merchandising jobs, Wally and I took her truck to go to look at some used car lots.

We found a car right away that almost fit our budget. The total price on the car was 800 dollars. They wanted 500 down. It- Was- A- Ford... *sigh*...

We went to leave and the salesman came running out to stop us. Guess what? For 500 we could have it. We looked at each other... hmm... In the end we went back to get it only to find that it had been jimmied by a pretty amatuer car thief and the key would not work in the ignition. They couldn't sell it and they had nothing else that compared.

In the meantime my boss called... were my transportation problems solved? Would I be in tomorrow? Oh yes, yes, I told him... Yeah I had it all figured out... bus schedule in my hand...

The problem with taking the bus was that the last bus into the town that I work in arrived there at 7:30pm and my shift didn't start until 12. My shift ended at 8:30am. I could walk to the bus station there and catch the 9:30am bus back to this town. I'd need only one transfer to get me closer to home and after the walk I figured I'd get here around 11am. It was going to mean some really long days and not much time left for a second job, or even sleep for that matter because I'd have to leave here again by 6pm to catch the last bus.

I was tired after car hunting. We didn't get home until after 5pm, so I opted to splurge and take a taxi into work. Mistake... but shit... I needed sleep and I have to work! It cost me 37.10 ( OMG!!!) and I couldn't even sleep on the way ( as I'd hoped to) because the driver was such a blabber-mouth and drove like a bat-outta-hell swerving, gunning it and then slamming on the brakes all the way. It was 11pm. These are small towns. There was no one else on the road. I became convinced that taxi drivers drive like that to give you the impression that they are rushing to get you to your destination quickly... while in reality it takes longer because they brake a whole lot more than they gun it.

Buses are a whole different thing.

I slept in... no messy hair... the bandage on my elbow is pinching. ( I burned my elbow at work. HOW do you burn your elbow? On a 490 degree oven door of course. )

I haven't worked since the car was repo'd. I called Twilight on Tuesday to talk to my boss but he was on break, so I called RuffMuff. I was supposed to work yesterday (Wednesday) and was scheduled to have Thursday and Friday off. She suggested that we just switch shifts. She'd work for me Wednesday and I'll work for her on Friday. She's also taking the merchandising jobs for me for this week.

So, I came to a dead stop as far as work goes.

I was glad to have yesterday off and I know I should've been busy getting my shit together... but... I just could not function. I tried to write but nothing would come out. I didn't want to sleep so I started drawing.

RuffMuff called after she was off of work and I didn't want to talk to her. I didn't want to talk to anybody. I sat here all day and listened to music with my headphones on and sketched.

She came over anyway... worried about me I guess. I smiled, played nice and flat out told her that I was "stuck on stupid" that day. She roared with laughter. What else can you do?

After she left I regretted taking her up on her offer to give us a ride where we needed to go to do whatever... a little... She's done so much for me already... I just couldn't do it.

So later on Wally and I were walking to the local grocery store. It's not that bad of a walk really. We had fun together. On the way back we stopped to pick Marionberries. They grow wild like EVERYWHERE here. We munched on some and picked... I dunno.. probably half of a flats worth. I also picked some wildflowers and leaves, for reference to draw them.

I spent the afternoon starting Nikkie's portrait. He has been a patient bear waiting for this day to come.

I almost bought a car today. For about ten minutes I thought my ass was saved... but no.

I think I walked through Danielle's aura... I know I walked through where she'd walked. I picked up her scent so distinctly. It was baby powder, melon, and HER. If you are a parent you know your childrens scents.

She's not home. She went out with her boyfriend. He's a nice young man from Louisianna. ( He washes his hands in the bathroom... I like him! ;) He's well raised.) Being from the south is something that they have in common. He has not been here as long as we have.

This morning I woke up groggy and then startled awake. OH NO! The alarm didn't go off! I looked at the clock. It was 1:56am. AHHH!!!! "I was supposed to be at work TWO hours ago!" I exclaimed as I started to scramble.

"No, you have no way to go in today. I called in for you." Wally's voice came from beside me.

"Oh,"

"Yes,"

"The car is gone?" I asked.

"Yes,"

So much for taking my chances...

I've been so irritable.

I've been in such a nasty mood lately I can't even stand myself.

I have been pissed at Jake for putting all of us through this crap again. He even drug my parents into it and got them alarmed over the state of my finances. I am TIRED of him upsetting and inconviencing everyone in my family that I care about. I am TIRED of him always creating a crisis.

I'm upset that I've worked so hard the last few weeks in order to start to pull myself out of this... and I had to blow all of my "extra" making a trip to Seattle to bring Dani home. A plane ticket would've been cheaper. But that's just the way it went.

Somehow I thought just getting her home would bring me relief, but now that she's here I'm more worried about her than ever before.

As far as my Dad goes? Well, it wasn't the "birthday message" that irked me... It was the inquiry that followed it.

I got this e-mail.

___________________________________


Kim

Do you have a post offie box or a mailing address where we can get
a package to you or Dani ?

Dad


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(as always, just flat out... Dad... no "love" Dad, no "sincerely" Dad... just Dad.) Why does that bother me so much?

The- e-mail.. My first reaction was... ????????? WTF?............ I don't understand.

Do I have a mailing address?

What KIND of a question is that?

He has my address. They have had my address. I got their christmas card.

Does he think I'm e-mailing him from my cardboard box that I live in outside of the trash dump?

I wrote him back with my address and told him that I've been here for three years. I haven't moved. The address he has is still my address.

Maybe I'm wrong to be pissed off, but I'm telling you the top of my head blew right off, brains fell out and everything...

I think it's left-over pissed-offness from the last time I spoke to him on the phone. He offended me to my core.

Topping it all off I have to get another year older while I'm stuck in this... this horrible economy... pfft!... let's not mince words here. It's a depression. An anniversary day ( Marv's b-day) has come and gone. It was the same old, same old. I worked, came home, collapsed and didn't get up until the next day. It's always best if I sleep through it... It seems like I always do... The day after tomorrow is the next one for me. Marv will have been gone for TEN YEARS.

I have to work... I'm glad I'm working.

Ah, the news from Twilight... we are totally invaded with fruit flies. I have never seen anything like it... gross... I work out of town. It's a farming community and these guys just don't seem really concerned about this. They say it happens every year... so I've been taking it in my stride too... BUT, it's been warmer for longer this year... and we are totally INFESTED now. They swarm. It's thick by our sinks. We've put out dishes of apple cider vinegar mixed with lemon dish soap, ( A local fix that they swear by) and it IS working to a point. When it was just a few of them, and these things are tiny, like knats (not like the fruit flies in Florida) it was okay.

Now, it's getting out of hand.

I dread going in the morning to throw away all of the previous days product, especially the blueberry and cinnamon-raisin bagels because I reach in there and pull them out and I am instantly inundated with tiny fruit flies. There are so many that they flitter over my hands and tickle. I went to get gloves to wear today to throw the stuff out and they were all over the outside and inside the box of latex gloves! As I tossed the stuff to the trash cans the things scattered and it seemed like I was in a fog of bugs. They were everywhere. I felt like I was breathing them in... It's freaking me out.

If this happened where I am from we'd be shuttered down.

Today I worked and then came home to go out to work... the way my life has been lately... Wally and I went out to service a movie kiosk on the other end of town. Ahhh... sweet irritation... at least I get get paid for this headache. This was a return visit because when we went last Thursday the machine was broken beyond belief.

I have some great stories to tell about this.. really! The movie kiosks have been too much fun. I'll jump ahead to the ending and give you this advice... Don't EVER put your credit or debit card into one of those incipid devices.... I'm dead serious.

Actually, I have a lot to tell about our merchandising jobs. It's been fun doing all of that with Wally.

The paper route however... oh my.... it IS a good thing that Wally and I seriously love each other... I think an extremely small fraction of married couples could endure that without killing each other. The paper route is intense.

I have a lot to tell about the route too, but right now all I can think about is our FIRST route... I'd worked a full shift at Twilight... then we went to do the route. We were told it took about four and half hours... no problem.

After eight hours we realized we were not even close to done. I'd been going for 16 hours straight. I was done. I was dozing in the truck as Wally was driving to bum-fuh-no-where... I woke up. We were parked. He was gone. Taking the papers out.

The view was beautiful. We were on the ocean. The bushes nearby were full of sparrows. I soon realized why. The bushes were full of ripe Marionberries (blackberries to anyone else) I was starving. I went out and started picking the berries and of course eating them as I went. Oh! They were so sweet!

You know... I must be old fashioned to a fault... Really that's probably the only way you'll ever see me eat fruit or berries. I want to pick it myself. I want it fresh off the vine, warm from the sun. I want to pick it just before the birds get to it. Oh, yeah I know I'm a dreamer.. but seriously... I HAVE beaten the birds to them a few times in my life. My memories are going towards raspberries in West Virginia. I was a little tyke. It was the very same day that I almost drowned. My brothers and I picked and ate raspberries until we were almost sick.

This was my lucky day. I was filling my hands with Marionberries. As I munched on the sweetness, my hands were turning purple. Wally startled me as he came up. I was worried he'd be mad. Old, old habit, old fear... foolish, but still there... I was relieved soon. He finds me to be funny and cute... I think...

We both picked and ate berries. We needed them. It had been a long hard day. We marveled at the coast. It was beautiful.

We are in awe at this place. It is wonderful.

We are in love.

We'd waited so long to be together.

The sun was setting. It was late. We had a lot more work to do, but it was okay, we were together.

Wally was plucking berries from my palms. Our lips were turning purple. The berries were so sweet.