kzswindow

 I know, I know, I have not blobbed in almost a year.. I have not written at all. I'm not going to give you a bunch of excuses... I only have one thing to say about it and that is...

I have not had anything to say.

I do have to seriously thank all of my blog friends who actually searched me out.. only to find me hiding on Facebook playing games. I love you all dearly.

Now, please pull up a chair and sit with me for a while... I'm ready to spill...

To catch you up on stuff in general.. Wally and I are as silly and in love as we've ever been. He still cannot work in the states. I just don't have the money needed to finish filing the paperwork to get his Social Security Card and finalize getting him here.

The instant that I bought a used car (in June) my hours at work were cut... which figures... this place is ass-backwards... (oh good, she got a car, doing better, now she doesn't need as much work..... wtf! ... helllooooooo car payments!!!!) 

I am extremely unhappy, disappointed, dismayed, annoyed and irritated with my work situation, the entire management team, The Bakery, Confectionary, Tobacco Workers and Grain Millers International UNION #9 and ALL of the stupid DONKEYS they rode in on... You ALL blow CHUNKS! I HATE YOU! Nuf said.. 

My boy, Tony is still working in Alaska and should be back in town here in a couple of weeks. I am aching to see him again.

My girl has been in a bit of trouble since the end of the last school year and since then it seems to have been a never-ending series of occassions where she's been getting caught doing stupid stuff.

For the most part I have a hard time taking it too seriously. I mean really!!! I did some questionable things when I was her age and I don't believe she has done anything that's worse than anything I ever did... of course I did grow up in a different time and the town I grew up in was not even CLOSE to being as RETARDED as this one.

I am to the point where my patience has worn too thin... tolerance?... HAHAHA!!!... throw THAT out the window... I am BEYOND angry...

Okay, so there have been issues... She was caught smoking, (off school grounds.. during a break time) and pulled into the office and searched. (This was before school ended last year.) Then she was caught in the park this summer making out with her boyfriend and under the influence of alcohol. Since we are HERE, these things were made into federal cases.

They ignore the meth lab house down the street... the teenager that IS NOT FROM HERE gets lewd and lascivious behaviour charges against her. Police were involved. It almost went to court.

She did her punishment from the last trouble she was in, including community service, and completed the "Diversions" program. Then in trouble again... (the park thing) Now we're sitting in front of Miss Marcy Darcy once again and..she...is...pissed...off...

I feel like a total turd because I have sat in front of her for Tony, on more than one occasion, and now for Dani.. ohhh dammit!

Sooooo okay... now Danielle is looking at a drug treatment program (with constant UA's) counciling three times a week, PLUS another class about making good choices that she must attend once a week, AND a crap-ton more of community service.

Anybody that's smoked a cig before they were 18 years old, raise your hand...
Anybody that got drunk before they were 21, raise your hand...
Anybody that's made out in a public place, raise your hand...

If you raised your hand for any (or all) of those, what was YOUR punishment?

Her UA's have been clean. We are not talking about a drug problem... We are talking about a somewhat naive teenage girl that is being singled out and prosecuted in this stupid town.

We are from ORLANDO Florida... These people are freeking out... OMG! Big City Folk! Let's beat them up before they ruin us!

I HATE IT HERE... I WANT TO MOVE!!!!... oh, did I say that out loud?

Today was a rather peaceful morning. I was piddling around playing some games and reseaching a bit because I am serious... I want to move... I need to go to a place where I can use the skills I've been trained for... There MUST be a bakery somewhere on the west coast that KNOWS what simple syrup is and accepts cake orders for rolled fondant... a place that would LIKE to move me beyond frying donuts and basic baking. :P

I wanted to simplify my life.. not work a dumbass job forever...

Then the phone rang... It was Danielle's school... Oh My Freeking Gahhh... Please don't tell me three days into school she's in trouble again... I let it ring through and got the message.. Yep.. She's in trouble, busted again for smoking.. (off campus, during a break time) ... WTF?

Her five days suspension would be reduced to zero days if she complied, which she was willing to do. I could call back if I had any questions.

I have no f*cking questions for these jackasses... I did not call back.

Other kids here are meth and E addicts but that is ignored because of WHO they are... WHO their Dad is... WHO their family is...

I try never to be prejudiced in any way... I am just telling you what I have been seeing first hand.

A little while later I got another call from the school... Noooooooo!!!! Not the schoooool!!! Arggg!

This one was good.. This is sooo good! Seriously. Hold on to your shorts! You are going to LOVE this! .... I did,

I was speaking to the ASSistant Principal of her school. There was a problem. She was searched after this incident and they found BAYER aspirin in her backpack. Uh oh... I know this is an infraction and could be trouble... crap...

But they found some other "pills" too...

"Okay," I said as I waited breathlessly for him to tell me more...

"They look like M&M's," he said, "but there are different sizes and they have a weird stamp on them. I have never seen M&M's like this before. The police have been called in and they believe these are some kind of drug, so they've been sent in for analysis. With results from that pending, Danielle is expelled from school,"

Expelled...

I know my daughter has to be in tears now... school is very important to her.

"Uh huh," I said..

"Danielle says that they are candies that were given to her by ***** ... so we are investigating,"

If my daughter says they are M&M Candies then THAT is what they are!.. WHAT?

INSTANTLY PISSED OFF... but being curt and silent on the phone... I have learned my lesson well here.. give these people NO fuel for the fire.

Wally went to pick her up.

The police had figured out by then that they were looking at chocolate.

Everybody that loves chocolate raise your hand!!

Everybody that's had their parents called because they had chocolate "pills" in their backpack raise your hand!

OMG!!! We have a chocolate addict!!!! LET'S PUT HER IN A SPECIAL CLASS!!!!

See? I told you it was rich.. *insert crazy, pulling hair out face"

The "pills" were indeed M&M's.. The last time I checked, that's chocolate and it isn't "just cause" to have you expelled from school... or arrested... or to have your folks called over the issue...

Look, I am sorry but REALLY! This kind of crap DOES NOT HAPPEN in other places!!

I have lived in a lot of places and I have NEVER had this much trouble.

I am waaaayyyy BEYOND angry!...

I need to find another place to live... I'm done here.

It was a scary week. I've been in a lot of pain, and frightened and feeling more alone and helpless than I have felt in many years.

I had a meltdown, returned to work, felt sick all day and wondered if Wally would even be here when I came home, after all of the things I said... would he stick around. I wondered if I should come home. Perhaps I should find a place to stay in Twilight. I need a place to sleep. 

I came home and was greeted at the door with an embrace that was like the first time we held each other... I love you no matter what and I never want to be without you kind of embrace.

Dani came in and told us that she was planning to go out with Bruce to the mall and spend the night at her house. It was kind of surprising that Dani was even hanging out with Bruce again as she'd proved to be... um, not a very good friend. 

I call her "Bruce" here because she reminds me of the comedian, Lenny Bruce... in a way. Although she is a girl and a fabulously beautiful girl, she is all messed up and incredibly abrasive and offensive to my senses. 

Dani looked so darn gorgeous and I felt my heart swell with pride that somehow I've raised such a level-headed, intelligent young woman. We hugged her and she went on her way as Bruce's mom showed up to pick her up.

I was tired and hungry... so we decided to make a grocery run. It's hard to buy groceries without a car to haul them home in. It's hard to make the trip to the store on foot when you've been going for over 20 hours straight. 

I had the thought of using one of the kids rolling suitcase things to carry groceries home in. Wouldn't that be easier? We could just pull it. Right? It has wheels. 

So, away we went to pick up a few things for a delicious dinner... 

It turned out to be a rather easy trip for a change. The rolling suitcase was a good idea. 

We'd only been home for a short while when the door opened and we were surprised to see Dani... in tears... Behind her stood a very tall female police officer.

I was on my feet and at the door. 

Yes, I'm her mother...

She was caught shoplifting at three stores in the mall. Two stores are pressing charges. We're going to court.

WTF?!?!?! I could not have been more surprised. 

I was then directed outside for a private talk with the cop. She wanted to confirm who I was and who the girl was that was with Dani, which I did. Bruce had taken off and left Dani holding the bag, so to speak. Come to find out, Bruce has been in trouble for this several times before.

Then she told me that in the process of the search they found "a bunch" of condoms in Dani's backpack and felt like I should be made aware of this. 

"Oh, I'm aware," I blurted out. "You are?" she asked.

I was reeling, "Did you say a bunch?" I asked. "Yes," she said, "You were aware of this?"  

I paused not knowing what to say and feeling like I'd already said the wrong thing. I can just hope that the cop saw my confusion.

So, she's banned from her favorite place... the mall...

So, we're going to court and this is going to cost a lot of money. So, she's getting a job to pay for it. 

So, the scholarship she's been working towards for the last two years is shot to pieces. She no longer will qualify for it since she's now in trouble with the law.  

So... I am heartbroken.

I wasn't going to post this.

I tried to and then I lost it and then I thought it was for the best, so I let it go. 

It was a bad week. I got hurt and seriously thought... this might be it for me... If I don't have my body... well? I'm done for. It's all over. I was in so much pain I could not see straight, or think straight, or anything else. I fell flat on my face. 

And that is what it was. 

I found this post... so here it is...

I'm sitting at the TreeHouse wasting time working on getting members to join my art site until my shift starts at Twilight. 

I'm anxious to go back dreading going back to work tonight since I called in yesterday. I certainly can't afford to miss work. I'm well on my way to being homeless but nobody else seems to care hahahaha  *laughing hysterically*   I was really in no shape to work last night. I'm not sure I'm in any shape to work tonight either but I might as well go down fighting. and alone. 

I had a job interview at the Co-op place that I've been wanting to work at. It was all weird. The deli manager that I met with looked like an unmade bed, had a good few days of beard growth and his name tag on upside down. His assistant had pink hair and purple lipstick. I don't want to work there anymore. I hope I'm hired there but I doubt I will be. 

The job they're offering is a big fat joke  pretty good. They promise nothing and want everything. Yes, it is a typical "JOB" here in Washington State. It is SOOO GREAT!.  They guarantee 8 hours a week. I have to be on call 7 days a week from 6am to 10pm. I need to be always available. Yeah. It's the perfect second job.

With MY luck I'll probably get it.! HAHAHA!

It's been a wonderful horrible week so far. I got home to find that I lost one of my gloves... one of my good gloves... expensive, warm gloves... something that I probably WILL NEVER be able to replace cannot replace right now. 

I went on to work that evening, (Thursday? I guess.) and I fell off the bus at my stop in Twilight. I hurt my back and my hip and now I have this weird piercing pain under my arm. I didn't tell anyone about my fall because I'm sick to death of the "my little clumsy oaf" jokes I didn't want anyone to know. 

Luckily I had a spare uniform at work to change into. I went on to The TreeHouse to hang out until they kicked me out closed. I made it through my shift although I was in pain and I'm losing my shit from lack of sleep  without a problem. 

I don't know how I got home but I made it... minus my computer... minus my mind, and minus my other, grey, very heavy, warm gloves...  Yes, I lost ANOTHER frikking pair of gloves. 

I managed to pick up my paycheck, miserable pitiful thing that it is, and realized that once again not matter how I cut it I am short for rent.  I've been killing myself and I can't make rent. Danielle is making out her Christmas list and I can't make rent. 

Since I lost my car, my work days are 18-20 hours long with the commute. I'm a crazy person looking for a second job. I have no idea how I'll fit it in, there goes my two hours of sleep every day but I'm looking anyway.

I think I am totally screwed and I cannot do this by myself. 

Now, I am hurt and nobody gives a flip and I have to keep going anyway.

I asked Wally to help me... He says, "I know... Why don't you just rent a room in Twilight? Won't that make it easier for you?" I don't know why I was shocked and surprised.

I found my computer. The nice little girl at the TreeHouse had it locked up for me. I haven't found my gloves. Oh well. 

Then last night the door opens. Weird, because Dani was supposed to be out with her girlfriend, Bruce, and spending the night... In walks Dani with a cop behind her... a cop that wanted to speak to me. 

I just love it when my kids are escorted home by cops. 

 And it begins...

I'm starting another work week... four nights straight at Twilight. 

Right now I'm sitting at "The Treehouse" (coffee shop) dreading closing time as it approaches and I'm not sure where I'm going to go next. Will it be Creepy King's or the old breakroom at work? I'm finding it a bit difficult to be transient. 

I'm also wondering why half of the text on my computer seems to be showing up in Japanese or something... 

I'm already looking forward to having my shift as a baker at Twilight be over and done with tonight. Ah well, it should go by quickly.

Tomorrow morning when I'm off I'm planning to go to BlobLife to donate plasma and then I have a job interview. The co-op place called me back. I was too late for the bakery position but there's a spot in the deli. I'm not real sure about this but it is "in town", close to where I live. I could walk there if I had to. I have been wanting to work there. (This is my third time applying.)

I just have very mixed emotions about it. I really need a second job but I'm wondering how I'll fit it in. I suppose I'll just worry about that if I need to...

It seems like no matter how hard I try to run my own life, it just keeps running me instead... 

 

 I made it through another work week. It was easier this time, yes a little bit easier. 

 Last week didn't go as well as I thought it would. I was not as prepared as I thought I was. I guess most of all what got to me was that I knew it would be tough, but it turned out to be a LOT tougher than I thought it would be. I went for 72 hours straight pretty much. I got 4 hours of sleep during those days... total... 

 My initial enthusiasm about going car-less is fading fast. Today was a rough day... or was it yesterday?... I dunno... yesterday did not end for me... I am still going. 

I've been having sleeping problems again. Of course along with sleeping problems comes "getting up" problems... sometimes... after I finally get to sleep that is.

When I do sleep I could sleep through ANY alarm clock. Heck... a cannon blast wouldn't wake me. When I get like that I could sleep for hours and hours too... sometimes around the clock. Usually that happens after days and days of very little sleep.

Actually this is NOTHING. I used to be much worse.

I think I have figured out WHY I have sleeping problems sometimes.

I think this happens when I am not comfortable in my own skin.

I remember the days when I was in Florida and living "the American dream" with Jake, I was so unhappy, everything was such a lie. It looked sweet from the outside but it was so sour on the inside. I couldn't deal with feeling so fake... No wonder my sleepwalking episodes became more frequent!

Out here? I don't know if I can describe it... I'm happy. I've been struggling here but I'm happy. Things make me mad and frustrate me but I'm happy. My finances are to a state of emergency but I'm happy.

I'm handing over my bosses car keys tomorrow.

I can't keep that car any longer. I am NOT comfortable in my own skin because I'm using that car. I don't want to face Mr. All-American day after day and have that question between us... WHEN is he getting his car back?...

It makes me dread work, (at a place I really enjoy working at) and makes me hate waking up each day. I don't want the evenings to end and have to go to sleep knowing that I'll have to go in and face another day. I'm either full of anxiety and I can't sleep or I want to sleep through my entire life... just sleep forever.

I can't do it anymore.

He wants his car back. I have to give him his car back and thank him and be done with that.

It was a band-aid... not a fix.

It was a nice band-aid, but now I have to fix it.

I don't have a car yet. I don't have enough money for one. I have to have a down-payment at this point. Even if I did I doubt I could swing the payments. Being hopeful is good. Being hopeful in my case has been my downfall. I've borrowed money thinking that something will come along next week... yeah well... it didn't... but NEXT week it will, and so on and so on.

Paycheck loans are POISON. Don't ever EVER take out a payday loan! (unless you are about to be evicted... which is what I did) Still, it's bad. The 394% interest is killing me.

"The poor get poorer."... "It takes money to make money." ... Both phrases ring true in an Americans life... But I personally cannot believe either one of them. I think the poor can get rich and you can make something out of nothing and that you can make money, maybe a lot of money even if you don't have money to invest.

Ahh, there is the dreamer in me... fell off the turnip truck... bumped head real hard... listening to the stupid media as they tell of rags to riches stories and how social security recipients don't get a cost of living increase this year (the first time since 1975) because we have no inflation.

Hmmm... I'm just an average bear. It seems to me that inflation already inflated and exploded. What we have on our hands here is a depression but nobody will say it out loud.

I was hoping maybe today... I'd have enough for a down-payment on a car, but my paycheck was putrid and even with my pay from the paper route and BlobLife, it's sad. After paying a loan payment it's worth tears. I didn't cry but the fact remained. It is not enough.

I don't know what will happen from here, but I think I'll sleep better returning Mr All-American's car.