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This Is Retarded

 I know, I know, I have not blobbed in almost a year.. I have not written at all. I'm not going to give you a bunch of excuses... I only have one thing to say about it and that is...

I have not had anything to say.

I do have to seriously thank all of my blog friends who actually searched me out.. only to find me hiding on Facebook playing games. I love you all dearly.

Now, please pull up a chair and sit with me for a while... I'm ready to spill...

To catch you up on stuff in general.. Wally and I are as silly and in love as we've ever been. He still cannot work in the states. I just don't have the money needed to finish filing the paperwork to get his Social Security Card and finalize getting him here.

The instant that I bought a used car (in June) my hours at work were cut... which figures... this place is ass-backwards... (oh good, she got a car, doing better, now she doesn't need as much work..... wtf! ... helllooooooo car payments!!!!) 

I am extremely unhappy, disappointed, dismayed, annoyed and irritated with my work situation, the entire management team, The Bakery, Confectionary, Tobacco Workers and Grain Millers International UNION #9 and ALL of the stupid DONKEYS they rode in on... You ALL blow CHUNKS! I HATE YOU! Nuf said.. 

My boy, Tony is still working in Alaska and should be back in town here in a couple of weeks. I am aching to see him again.

My girl has been in a bit of trouble since the end of the last school year and since then it seems to have been a never-ending series of occassions where she's been getting caught doing stupid stuff.

For the most part I have a hard time taking it too seriously. I mean really!!! I did some questionable things when I was her age and I don't believe she has done anything that's worse than anything I ever did... of course I did grow up in a different time and the town I grew up in was not even CLOSE to being as RETARDED as this one.

I am to the point where my patience has worn too thin... tolerance?... HAHAHA!!!... throw THAT out the window... I am BEYOND angry...

Okay, so there have been issues... She was caught smoking, (off school grounds.. during a break time) and pulled into the office and searched. (This was before school ended last year.) Then she was caught in the park this summer making out with her boyfriend and under the influence of alcohol. Since we are HERE, these things were made into federal cases.

They ignore the meth lab house down the street... the teenager that IS NOT FROM HERE gets lewd and lascivious behaviour charges against her. Police were involved. It almost went to court.

She did her punishment from the last trouble she was in, including community service, and completed the "Diversions" program. Then in trouble again... (the park thing) Now we're sitting in front of Miss Marcy Darcy once again and..she...is...pissed...off...

I feel like a total turd because I have sat in front of her for Tony, on more than one occasion, and now for Dani.. ohhh dammit!

Sooooo okay... now Danielle is looking at a drug treatment program (with constant UA's) counciling three times a week, PLUS another class about making good choices that she must attend once a week, AND a crap-ton more of community service.

Anybody that's smoked a cig before they were 18 years old, raise your hand...
Anybody that got drunk before they were 21, raise your hand...
Anybody that's made out in a public place, raise your hand...

If you raised your hand for any (or all) of those, what was YOUR punishment?

Her UA's have been clean. We are not talking about a drug problem... We are talking about a somewhat naive teenage girl that is being singled out and prosecuted in this stupid town.

We are from ORLANDO Florida... These people are freeking out... OMG! Big City Folk! Let's beat them up before they ruin us!

I HATE IT HERE... I WANT TO MOVE!!!!... oh, did I say that out loud?

Today was a rather peaceful morning. I was piddling around playing some games and reseaching a bit because I am serious... I want to move... I need to go to a place where I can use the skills I've been trained for... There MUST be a bakery somewhere on the west coast that KNOWS what simple syrup is and accepts cake orders for rolled fondant... a place that would LIKE to move me beyond frying donuts and basic baking. :P

I wanted to simplify my life.. not work a dumbass job forever...

Then the phone rang... It was Danielle's school... Oh My Freeking Gahhh... Please don't tell me three days into school she's in trouble again... I let it ring through and got the message.. Yep.. She's in trouble, busted again for smoking.. (off campus, during a break time) ... WTF?

Her five days suspension would be reduced to zero days if she complied, which she was willing to do. I could call back if I had any questions.

I have no f*cking questions for these jackasses... I did not call back.

Other kids here are meth and E addicts but that is ignored because of WHO they are... WHO their Dad is... WHO their family is...

I try never to be prejudiced in any way... I am just telling you what I have been seeing first hand.

A little while later I got another call from the school... Noooooooo!!!! Not the schoooool!!! Arggg!

This one was good.. This is sooo good! Seriously. Hold on to your shorts! You are going to LOVE this! .... I did,

I was speaking to the ASSistant Principal of her school. There was a problem. She was searched after this incident and they found BAYER aspirin in her backpack. Uh oh... I know this is an infraction and could be trouble... crap...

But they found some other "pills" too...

"Okay," I said as I waited breathlessly for him to tell me more...

"They look like M&M's," he said, "but there are different sizes and they have a weird stamp on them. I have never seen M&M's like this before. The police have been called in and they believe these are some kind of drug, so they've been sent in for analysis. With results from that pending, Danielle is expelled from school,"


I know my daughter has to be in tears now... school is very important to her.

"Uh huh," I said..

"Danielle says that they are candies that were given to her by ***** ... so we are investigating,"

If my daughter says they are M&M Candies then THAT is what they are!.. WHAT?

INSTANTLY PISSED OFF... but being curt and silent on the phone... I have learned my lesson well here.. give these people NO fuel for the fire.

Wally went to pick her up.

The police had figured out by then that they were looking at chocolate.

Everybody that loves chocolate raise your hand!!

Everybody that's had their parents called because they had chocolate "pills" in their backpack raise your hand!

OMG!!! We have a chocolate addict!!!! LET'S PUT HER IN A SPECIAL CLASS!!!!

See? I told you it was rich.. *insert crazy, pulling hair out face"

The "pills" were indeed M&M's.. The last time I checked, that's chocolate and it isn't "just cause" to have you expelled from school... or arrested... or to have your folks called over the issue...

Look, I am sorry but REALLY! This kind of crap DOES NOT HAPPEN in other places!!

I have lived in a lot of places and I have NEVER had this much trouble.

I am waaaayyyy BEYOND angry!...

I need to find another place to live... I'm done here.


It was a scary week. I've been in a lot of pain, and frightened and feeling more alone and helpless than I have felt in many years.

I had a meltdown, returned to work, felt sick all day and wondered if Wally would even be here when I came home, after all of the things I said... would he stick around. I wondered if I should come home. Perhaps I should find a place to stay in Twilight. I need a place to sleep. 

I came home and was greeted at the door with an embrace that was like the first time we held each other... I love you no matter what and I never want to be without you kind of embrace.

Dani came in and told us that she was planning to go out with Bruce to the mall and spend the night at her house. It was kind of surprising that Dani was even hanging out with Bruce again as she'd proved to be... um, not a very good friend. 

I call her "Bruce" here because she reminds me of the comedian, Lenny Bruce... in a way. Although she is a girl and a fabulously beautiful girl, she is all messed up and incredibly abrasive and offensive to my senses. 

Dani looked so darn gorgeous and I felt my heart swell with pride that somehow I've raised such a level-headed, intelligent young woman. We hugged her and she went on her way as Bruce's mom showed up to pick her up.

I was tired and hungry... so we decided to make a grocery run. It's hard to buy groceries without a car to haul them home in. It's hard to make the trip to the store on foot when you've been going for over 20 hours straight. 

I had the thought of using one of the kids rolling suitcase things to carry groceries home in. Wouldn't that be easier? We could just pull it. Right? It has wheels. 

So, away we went to pick up a few things for a delicious dinner... 

It turned out to be a rather easy trip for a change. The rolling suitcase was a good idea. 

We'd only been home for a short while when the door opened and we were surprised to see Dani... in tears... Behind her stood a very tall female police officer.

I was on my feet and at the door. 

Yes, I'm her mother...

She was caught shoplifting at three stores in the mall. Two stores are pressing charges. We're going to court.

WTF?!?!?! I could not have been more surprised. 

I was then directed outside for a private talk with the cop. She wanted to confirm who I was and who the girl was that was with Dani, which I did. Bruce had taken off and left Dani holding the bag, so to speak. Come to find out, Bruce has been in trouble for this several times before.

Then she told me that in the process of the search they found "a bunch" of condoms in Dani's backpack and felt like I should be made aware of this. 

"Oh, I'm aware," I blurted out. "You are?" she asked.

I was reeling, "Did you say a bunch?" I asked. "Yes," she said, "You were aware of this?"  

I paused not knowing what to say and feeling like I'd already said the wrong thing. I can just hope that the cop saw my confusion.

So, she's banned from her favorite place... the mall...

So, we're going to court and this is going to cost a lot of money. So, she's getting a job to pay for it. 

So, the scholarship she's been working towards for the last two years is shot to pieces. She no longer will qualify for it since she's now in trouble with the law.  

So... I am heartbroken.


I wasn't going to post this.

I tried to and then I lost it and then I thought it was for the best, so I let it go. 

It was a bad week. I got hurt and seriously thought... this might be it for me... If I don't have my body... well? I'm done for. It's all over. I was in so much pain I could not see straight, or think straight, or anything else. I fell flat on my face. 

And that is what it was. 

I found this post... so here it is...

I'm sitting at the TreeHouse wasting time working on getting members to join my art site until my shift starts at Twilight. 

I'm anxious to go back dreading going back to work tonight since I called in yesterday. I certainly can't afford to miss work. I'm well on my way to being homeless but nobody else seems to care hahahaha  *laughing hysterically*   I was really in no shape to work last night. I'm not sure I'm in any shape to work tonight either but I might as well go down fighting. and alone

I had a job interview at the Co-op place that I've been wanting to work at. It was all weird. The deli manager that I met with looked like an unmade bed, had a good few days of beard growth and his name tag on upside down. His assistant had pink hair and purple lipstick. I don't want to work there anymore. I hope I'm hired there but I doubt I will be. 

The job they're offering is a big fat joke  pretty good. They promise nothing and want everything. Yes, it is a typical "JOB" here in Washington State. It is SOOO GREAT!.  They guarantee 8 hours a week. I have to be on call 7 days a week from 6am to 10pm. I need to be always available. Yeah. It's the perfect second job.

With MY luck I'll probably get it.! HAHAHA!

It's been a wonderful horrible week so far. I got home to find that I lost one of my gloves... one of my good gloves... expensive, warm gloves... something that I probably WILL NEVER be able to replace cannot replace right now. 

I went on to work that evening, (Thursday? I guess.) and I fell off the bus at my stop in Twilight. I hurt my back and my hip and now I have this weird piercing pain under my arm. I didn't tell anyone about my fall because I'm sick to death of the "my little clumsy oaf" jokes I didn't want anyone to know. 

Luckily I had a spare uniform at work to change into. I went on to The TreeHouse to hang out until they kicked me out closed. I made it through my shift although I was in pain and I'm losing my shit from lack of sleep  without a problem. 

I don't know how I got home but I made it... minus my computer... minus my mind, and minus my other, grey, very heavy, warm gloves...  Yes, I lost ANOTHER frikking pair of gloves. 

I managed to pick up my paycheck, miserable pitiful thing that it is, and realized that once again not matter how I cut it I am short for rent.  I've been killing myself and I can't make rent. Danielle is making out her Christmas list and I can't make rent. 

Since I lost my car, my work days are 18-20 hours long with the commute. I'm a crazy person looking for a second job. I have no idea how I'll fit it in, there goes my two hours of sleep every day but I'm looking anyway.

I think I am totally screwed and I cannot do this by myself. 

Now, I am hurt and nobody gives a flip and I have to keep going anyway.

I asked Wally to help me... He says, "I know... Why don't you just rent a room in Twilight? Won't that make it easier for you?" I don't know why I was shocked and surprised.

I found my computer. The nice little girl at the TreeHouse had it locked up for me. I haven't found my gloves. Oh well. 

Then last night the door opens. Weird, because Dani was supposed to be out with her girlfriend, Bruce, and spending the night... In walks Dani with a cop behind her... a cop that wanted to speak to me. 

I just love it when my kids are escorted home by cops. 

Another Work Week

 And it begins...

I'm starting another work week... four nights straight at Twilight. 

Right now I'm sitting at "The Treehouse" (coffee shop) dreading closing time as it approaches and I'm not sure where I'm going to go next. Will it be Creepy King's or the old breakroom at work? I'm finding it a bit difficult to be transient. 

I'm also wondering why half of the text on my computer seems to be showing up in Japanese or something... 

I'm already looking forward to having my shift as a baker at Twilight be over and done with tonight. Ah well, it should go by quickly.

Tomorrow morning when I'm off I'm planning to go to BlobLife to donate plasma and then I have a job interview. The co-op place called me back. I was too late for the bakery position but there's a spot in the deli. I'm not real sure about this but it is "in town", close to where I live. I could walk there if I had to. I have been wanting to work there. (This is my third time applying.)

I just have very mixed emotions about it. I really need a second job but I'm wondering how I'll fit it in. I suppose I'll just worry about that if I need to...

It seems like no matter how hard I try to run my own life, it just keeps running me instead... 


Excitement and Disapointment

 I made it through another work week. It was easier this time, yes a little bit easier. 
I have to leave here at 6pm for the bus-stop. Wally has been going with me. From there I get the #3 bus at 6:30 and ride to DotDot station where I transfer to the #26 to Twilight that leaves at 6:50pm. At 7:11pm I'm getting off at the stop across the street from my store and head to the local coffee shop. ( I need to think up a snazzy name for that place.) I buy a coffee, ask sweetly for their wi-fi access code and sit there getting free refills until they close at 9pm on Wednesday and Thursday or 10pm on Fridays and Saturdays.
The time I spend at the coffee shop I'm looking at very seriously as my "second job"... and I'm very much into learning web design too. 
From there I go on to my store and wander in the break-room (for 2 or 3 hours) until my shift starts at midnight. Well?
I am ALWAYS on time now.
I don't take my computer out in there. I don't want people to know I have it with me. There is no place to lock it up. I did figure out that I can go to Creepy King Burger Dump across the street and order one of their value menu hockey pucks and sit there for an hour or so working offline and they don't seem to mind. So, I've used that time to try and figure out my Paint Shop Pro program.
From 12 to 8:30am I am busy being a baker. 
Then at 8:45am I'm catching the 26 outta Twilight to arrive at DotDot station just in time to MISS my connection with the #4 that brings me home... every day... every.. stupid... day... I miss that bitch... It's an hour wait for the next one that comes at 10:10am... Sometimes I don't wait and I just catch the 232, but then my walk home from the stop is doubled. I still don't make it home before 11am either way. If I have other things to do before I get home I am even later. Then I have to leave again at 6pm. 
I am getting better at this though. I managed to fit in more sleep last week. So.. yeah... it's going better.
Dani skipped PE a couple of times, yoga class actually... and yes, somehow it was only that class. We have proof. What can I say? 
Tony has been more of an issue here lately... but now that he seems to be all done yanking us around for the moment I'm prepared for the next time he tries this. 
What happened was Tony came to us asking to move back in. He's been unable to pay his rent since he lost his job. After some discussion we agreed that he could. Then he worked things out with the folks he's been staying with as he promised them that he'd give them everything he was going to receive from unemployment. 
Then he found out that he'd been denied getting any unemployment compensation... So he was back again... He needs our help. He gets 200 a month in food stamps that he'll give us to stay here. 
Although I was thinking... omg... how much I DO NOT NEED THIS RIGHT NOW... I really cannot afford to support ONE more person right now... I'm doing it pretty shitty as it is with just the three of us. Where am I going to put him? Where will I put all of his stuff? He is smelly. They don't ask him to bathe there. 
BUT... oh somehow I just still started to turn to mush with the thought of my blue-eyed boy coming home for a bit... and... he'll HELP me... and I really could use some help. My eyes were already watering over the thought of 200 a month for groceries... and HEY!... we'll get him working really soon and HEY!... we can get a three bedroom place and he'll split rent with me and we can live pretty sweetly and, and, and, my imagination kept going as to how good this could be for all of us! A two income household, THAT is what I NEED... oh please.  
He was supposed to move back in on Sunday. He came over and dumped a couple of putrid smelling dufflebags in our living room that evening, said he'd be back with more and then didn't return. 
Monday he came back. I was blearly eyed (unconsious) on the couch. Things changed. They've agreed to let him stay there as long as he looks for work and goes to BlobLife and gives them every dime he makes from donating plasma. He's staying there. They love him, he says.  
I think my mouth fell open, my heart snapped shut and my eyes went dry.
If he comes back to me wanting to move in again I want his plasma money, his food stamps, his blood, sweat and tears, AND every damn dime he earns from anything else because I love him THAT much. 
Yeah. So that's over. 
Now, on to what I've been spending all of my spare time doing... 
I want to put together a collaboration of artwork and writing from talented unknown artists. A periodical to be published quarterly. I want to put together something that I'd like to read and look at, something that I haven't seen before. And I don't think I'm alone. With that said... something that others would like to read and see that they've never seen before. I believe I have a really unique idea happening here and I want to give it a full blown GO... 
I've been trying to launch it today... um yeah... just imagine a cheap little toy rocket flying about a foot into the air before doing a nosedive... That was my launch. 
I suppose I've just spent a lot of time trying to make the website look good, and be easy to understand and navigate without thinking much beyond that... Like how to get people to look at it. I guess I just thought it would be one of those "if you build it they will come" type of things.
I received one submission...AND it just happens to be the most freeking amazing photograph I've ever seen. When I opened the email I literally gasped. Wally was flipping out too. Then we realized that the guy that sent it didn't "join" the site so it won't be displayed there...  *sigh*....  

So Much for Being Prepared

 Last week didn't go as well as I thought it would. I was not as prepared as I thought I was. I guess most of all what got to me was that I knew it would be tough, but it turned out to be a LOT tougher than I thought it would be. I went for 72 hours straight pretty much. I got 4 hours of sleep during those days... total... 
I'm trying to figure out how to make this easier for me... but really... I'm drawing a lot of blanks.
I've already done the routine where I'll just borrow money and it'll be okay because I'll get more work. I can't count on getting more work and I can't count on any work I HAVE being stable. Heck, some of the jobs I've had here lately I can't depend on breaking EVEN with... I've spent more money doing them than I get paid! 
I think my job at Twilight is in jeopordy. I think they'll want me gone soon. (I don't have reliable transportation.) As unfair as it is... that's the way it is out here. I accepted a ride home from Stinky Inga on Sunday, since no busses were running. I was planning on waiting for her until her shift was over... but right away here she came... on her lunch break... she told everyone including the manager-in-charge that she'd have to take a long lunch, because she had to drive me home... ohhhh good gawd... 
At the time though I was too glad to have the ride and she was glad to have five bucks for gas money. 
I was finally home... and home for three days... I have three days off, which sucks... yet another short paycheck... Let's just tighten that belt a bit more, shall we? We already cannot afford food, power, or transportation, I guess housing is the next thing to go.   
After doing such a long haul I was pretty much half crazy... too tired... too miserable... 
To be honest, I don't remember much of what I did, or we did... or what's happened since I got home Sunday morning... It seems like a blur. 
I remember I found out that Dani's been skipping some school. I remember that Wally made my chicken and dumplings. I walked him through it. It turned out awesome. I remember screwing around with the computers forever because we couldn't get the printer to work with Wally's puter suddenly. It had been working fine. We always printed our merchandising paperwork on it, but after some stupid updates the printer just wasn't communicating with the computer anymore, whichjustmademerealizewhatswrongwithit... *deep breath* Anywayssss, I got it to work on mine... my older laptop... and got my job application printed out. I remember that Jake sent Dani more money by western union... why? ... 50 bucks for a Halloween costume or something this time... I hate him... I can't afford groceries... He just sent her money to party with... Have I mentioned lately how much I HATE him? 
I remember I slept for 12 hours straight and still felt like crap when I woke up. I remember Tony called. I remember the loan place called 15 thousand times. I remember having plans for yesterday (Monday) but all I wanted to do was roll up in a fetal position and pull some covers over my head. I did NOT want to go out. I remember writing for a while and then Wally and I had some popcorn and some wine that we've had in the cabinet for months (Columbia Crest Merlot... didn't even finish the bottle) and watched something on Hulu.
Today I had to get up... dammit... I guess I just don't know what else to do but get up and go on. I already know that there is no easy way out for me.  
Actually, I was feeling pretty good today until I left the apartment to walk to the bus stop and then I was surprised to meet Tony in the driveway. Usually, I love seeing him. Today, my heart just sank... which is a feat at this point... I think my heart's sunk about as low as it can go... then I saw him and... oh no, it can go lower... We hugged in the road and I knew it was all bad as we came back here.
He needed to use the computer, the internet. The internet is the only thing I "splurge" on anymore. I feel like we have to have it. It's our only contact with the world. We don't have TV, rarely get newspapers.. internet is it for us. He's still looking for work, rather desperately at this point. There's been a problem with his unemployment paperwork...
I hung out for a while but I really did have stuff to do. It doesn't matter... I get guilt both ways. 
If I stay I miss my bus, miss an opportunity, miss doing something that might save us. 
If I leave... oh I really don't care about Tony, never listen to him anyway.. I'm always walking out the door because there's always something more important to me than him... I can't win, you know.
I made my bus and put in an application down at the co-op place. I applied there before for a baker position, remember? I doubt I got there in time for this one. People are snatching up jobs as fast as they can. After that I went to BlobLife and then the market. 
I thought I was prepared for that. But no.
I dunno. I've never tried grocery shopping without a car or a ride. I only got a few things.. I only had a little money. I didn't think it would be too much to carry. My back was screaming by the time I got home and my arms were killing me. At least it wasn't raining or snowing... but it will be soon.  
You can never be prepared for something you have never done before.    

Going Psychotic

 My initial enthusiasm about going car-less is fading fast. Today was a rough day... or was it yesterday?... I dunno... yesterday did not end for me... I am still going. 
Let's see... I was off Thursday and slept in late. Unfortunately I missed a phone call that was calling me into work. I sure could use the hours, but by the time I checked voicemail it was really to late for me to go in and still be okay for the graveyard shift that night. 
I made a huge southern breakfast of grits, home fries with green onions and eggs with cheese and artichoke hearts. It was "sleepy food". I got in a quick nap. It was hard to rest because I was anxious about how this is going to work out. I suppose I'm mostly concerned about missing my busses. 
I thought I was well prepared for my trek. I layered my clothes, wore walking shoes. I had my gloves. I packed a water-proof carry-all bag with a change of clothes, fresh socks, a book about web design that I've been studying, my journal, a few drawing supplies (in case I felt inspired) my cell phone, and bus fare. My work shoes I put in a seperate plastic bag. 
At 6pm Wally walked me down to the bus-stop. It was drizzling and cold but not too bad. The walk was a nice 20 minute jaunt with only one hill. Yeah, I thought to myself, this is going to be okay.
I caught my connection at the DotDot station without a glitch and was rolling into Twilight at 7:30pm. Although I rode it all the way to the station, I did get a chance to realize that I really could've gotten off at an earlier stop and had a lot less of a walk to the shopping center. I also learned that I don't have to walk all the way to the station to catch the bus out either. There is a stop RIGHT in front of my store. Oh, I'll do that next time.
It was windy, getting colder and raining a bit more by then and the walk was starting to seem like a long journey.
I was glad to reach the local coffee house and curl up on their poofy couch in front of the fire, sip hot black coffee and settle in for a couple of hours of studying, making notes and thinking thoughts. 
I was disappointed that they closed at 9pm though so I had to leave. I went on down to work and sat in the breakroom to keep reading until my shift started at midnight. 
The shift went pretty smoothly even though it was a Friday and we had really heavy production. I was fine until Mr All-American came in. The questions about a car started. Well, HOW did you get to work today? HOW are you getting home? Well, WHEN are you getting a car? Well, are you still LOOKING? Well, HOW MUCH are you short? 
I did my best to blow off the questions but I was getting flustered, and embarrassed. The whole thing is very embarrassing for me. How could I let my finances get to be such a mess that I lose my car?
I don't know... How can I put it? I know that everyone there would like to help me, but all of them are just getting by too. I've gotten the feeling that Mr All-American has been just about to offer loaning me money a couple of times but I've cut him off. 
I thanked him for everything again today and tried to explain it to him... I appreciate it but, borrowing his car for a while longer is not going to help me... The upkeep on it simply puts me further in the hole. If I borrow more money, it's not going to fix things... It is just going to make things worse.  
Maybe if I just keep being quiet about it, and keep showing up for work everybody will shut up about it and start concentrating on someone ELSE'S problems. 
I changed clothes, bundled up, left my work clothes and shoes there and headed out with my bag slung over my shoulder to be met by a surprise outside.
The weather had turned really bad. It was cold, very windy and raining buckets. I tightened my hoodie and headed for the bus station. I missed the 7:45am bus of course and had to wait for the 8:45. I had errands to run, a trip to the bank, a loan payment and I had planned to go get one of my computers out of hawk. I was very much looking forward to that. 
By then I was already soaked to the skin and freezing. My shoes were full of water and I realized that in spite of my careful planning, this was not going to do... I also realized that I had forgotten an umbrella and my bus schedule book...yeah... good thing I didn't really NEED either of those! Argh!  
It took me a long time to do all of my errands and I had to walk a lot. I was trying to remember the bus routes in my head and where all the stops were in relation to where I was and where I needed to go. To top it off the weather remained miserable. It got worse after I picked up the computer. The bag I had, PLUS the computer started getting really heavy. The rain just poured and as everything got soaked it was heavier and heavier. 
Then I got to the loan place and found out that I am screwed there. I had planned to convert it into a payment plan, because I seriously must get rid of these loans. I have one almost paid off so I figured it's a good time to do the same with this one but their policies are different than the other places. They want a chunk of money right now or else... Well crap! I'd just put my "chunk a money" into getting my computer back!
It presented me with a really big problem... and I couldn't solve it NOW because I had less than four hours before I had to be on my way to catch the bus to go BACK to work. 
I trudged on home in downpouring rain, with my bags, which now felt like two fifty pound sacks of rocks. Water was sloshing around in my shoes and I started thinking... I...cannot...do...this...
I was SO glad to get home even if it was going to be a rather brief stop. I was dropping my bags and peeling off my wet clothes at the door with Wally's help. Yeah, well it wasn't as sexy as it sounds. I could barely move. 
I couldn't wait to get my computer out, if even just to LOOK at it for a minute since I had no time for anything else. I had plans... Now with the time I was spending in Twilight before my workshift I could be productive. I could job search online. I could work on my book. I could blob. I could work on the new web site I'm planning. I could practice what I learning of writing code, really learn it in a pratical way, on a computer! I could work more on the fractals that I'm learning about too. Well, I could...
That's when I realized I HAD THE WRONG COMPUTER!!!!!
My book files... my photos... all of my art images... all of my notes... my fractal programs... ALL on the OTHER computer. I couldn't believe it. This was my older computer. My newer (and 3 pounds lighter) computer was still in the pawn shop.
That's when I lost it.
I lost my shit.
After a major freak out I managed to inhale some dinner and fall over for about an hour of sleep.
Wally walked me down to the bus stop again and away I went... At least I packed lighter this time.
Now that I'm much more aquainted with the bus service thing here... well?... I have learned that I am NOT the weidest weirdo on the bus...
I spent another evening at the coffee shop, this time I have my computer, *sigh*, if only it was the right one.
Did another eight hour shift at Twilight.
I had to sit at the coffee shop for two hours after work waiting to catch the first bus out. ( The buses start running late on Saturdays AND they quit running early.)
I got the bus. Transferred to another bus. Walked home from my bus-stop.
I got home at around noon... Eighteen hours after leaving home the previous evening. I had five hours of free time before I needed to start walking to the bus-stop to do all of it all over AGAIN. 
I managed to squeeze in one hour of sleep after showering and eating. 
"I wonder how long you can go without sleep before you go psychotic?" I asked Wally.
"I don't know," he said, "I thought I saw that already yesterday,"

Terrified Sickness

It's cold, wet and it's fall... I think fall is going to pass quite quickly this year and it will be winter-like conditions very soon. We did have a very pleasant loooong summer, so this is what we get.

It was a rough week for me. I didn't return Mr All-American's car... only because I didn't see him. We were scheduled opposite days. I have been sick. I guess I could term it "terrified sickness"... I've been floundering around. I've been terrified of the mere thought of living without a car... my freedom... my independence... GONE.... all gone...

There has been this thought in my head for many years now, that I simply cannot survive without a car.

It's been ringing in my head now louder than ever and I've been scared shitless. I don't know WHAT to do.

I have felt pressure from ALL sides of me to buy another car, at home, at work and from friends... and from myself too.

If I buy a car right this minute I can't pay rent... If I don't pay rent?... That means the three of us have no place to go. These people slap out eviction notices pronto.

So, I've been pretty deep in thought for the past couple of weeks.

I have come to these conclusions...

I cannot afford a car right now. ( if I could I would still have the Sonata that was just repo'd)

Being without a car is not the end of the world for me.

I must stop letting others persuade me in my choices of purchases.

AND once again (just to make a big fat point...)

I cannot afford car right now.



I've been faithfully planning finances and budgeting and STILL find myself running short and wondering WTF?!? Where does it go? Now after delving in even deeper and REALLY nickle and diming it, I am seeing things that have surprised me... there are a lot of hidden costs to having a car, things that you really don't think about... and as far as I go I usually just toss those costs into the old misc. file or even the grocery file... But when I think about it... hey!... The week before I lost the car I purchased windshield wipers and fluid, oil, a car wash, and renewed the tags... about 100 bucks worth of added expense... it's stuff like this that I don't really think about but I have done because I have to in order to maintain a car.

A car costs more than just the car payment, insurance and gas... I know this... but WHY didn't I bother to figure it out on paper before? Personally, the price of gas has me completely distracted... Oh dear heavens WHAT is gas going to cost TODAY?

I want to try this for a while... getting by without a car...

The more I keep working it out on paper the more I've been thinking... Maybe I can dig myself out of the financial mess I've been in by NOT having the expenses of a car?

Remember how I said I wanted to disentangle myself from RuffMuff?

Well, her contract from the paper route is being canceled as of November first and since that's happening she wants to take back over all of the merchandising work because her income will be lacking. Which means Wally and I no longer have the paper route or the merchandising jobs.

Geez.. I'm disentangled... that was easy!...

It did help fuel my "terrified sickness" though. OH NOOoooo!!!.... No EXTRA WORK???? No EXTRA INCOME???

Until I got to thinking about it and putting it on paper. It turns out that after paying for gas and for 10 hours of work every other Friday Wally and I walk away with under 50 dollars of pay for the paper route. This week for the merchandising was a REAL bust... I was handed 60 bucks for two weeks worth of work in three different towns. I LOST money after paying for gas to get where I needed to go to do the jobs... basically, I PAID for going to work...

So after figuring this out, I am VERY okay with losing these jobs... and I must stop beating myself over the head about it thinking that I'm missing out on something, because I'm not.

I know I can get to work and back to Twilight without a car. It will just take more time. I think I should just make better use of my time...

I'm thinking about this in a very optomistic way now. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'll be regretting this when I'm knee deep in snow hoofing it to the bus-stop only to find that the bus service is canceled. (Oh, I hope I'm kidding) But I'm thinking right now that this will be good.

It will cut my expenses. A LOT. I could use the extra excercise. Maybe I'll drop the excess poundage I've been carrying around? Being out and up close in town (instead of wizzing by in a car) maybe I'll have a better chance of finding a secure second job?

Yes, I'm thinking this will be okay...

I Want To Sleep Well

I've been having sleeping problems again. Of course along with sleeping problems comes "getting up" problems... sometimes... after I finally get to sleep that is.

When I do sleep I could sleep through ANY alarm clock. Heck... a cannon blast wouldn't wake me. When I get like that I could sleep for hours and hours too... sometimes around the clock. Usually that happens after days and days of very little sleep.

Actually this is NOTHING. I used to be much worse.

I think I have figured out WHY I have sleeping problems sometimes.

I think this happens when I am not comfortable in my own skin.

I remember the days when I was in Florida and living "the American dream" with Jake, I was so unhappy, everything was such a lie. It looked sweet from the outside but it was so sour on the inside. I couldn't deal with feeling so fake... No wonder my sleepwalking episodes became more frequent!

Out here? I don't know if I can describe it... I'm happy. I've been struggling here but I'm happy. Things make me mad and frustrate me but I'm happy. My finances are to a state of emergency but I'm happy.

I'm handing over my bosses car keys tomorrow.

I can't keep that car any longer. I am NOT comfortable in my own skin because I'm using that car. I don't want to face Mr. All-American day after day and have that question between us... WHEN is he getting his car back?...

It makes me dread work, (at a place I really enjoy working at) and makes me hate waking up each day. I don't want the evenings to end and have to go to sleep knowing that I'll have to go in and face another day. I'm either full of anxiety and I can't sleep or I want to sleep through my entire life... just sleep forever.

I can't do it anymore.

He wants his car back. I have to give him his car back and thank him and be done with that.

It was a band-aid... not a fix.

It was a nice band-aid, but now I have to fix it.

I don't have a car yet. I don't have enough money for one. I have to have a down-payment at this point. Even if I did I doubt I could swing the payments. Being hopeful is good. Being hopeful in my case has been my downfall. I've borrowed money thinking that something will come along next week... yeah well... it didn't... but NEXT week it will, and so on and so on.

Paycheck loans are POISON. Don't ever EVER take out a payday loan! (unless you are about to be evicted... which is what I did) Still, it's bad. The 394% interest is killing me.

"The poor get poorer."... "It takes money to make money." ... Both phrases ring true in an Americans life... But I personally cannot believe either one of them. I think the poor can get rich and you can make something out of nothing and that you can make money, maybe a lot of money even if you don't have money to invest.

Ahh, there is the dreamer in me... fell off the turnip truck... bumped head real hard... listening to the stupid media as they tell of rags to riches stories and how social security recipients don't get a cost of living increase this year (the first time since 1975) because we have no inflation.

Hmmm... I'm just an average bear. It seems to me that inflation already inflated and exploded. What we have on our hands here is a depression but nobody will say it out loud.

I was hoping maybe today... I'd have enough for a down-payment on a car, but my paycheck was putrid and even with my pay from the paper route and BlobLife, it's sad. After paying a loan payment it's worth tears. I didn't cry but the fact remained. It is not enough.

I don't know what will happen from here, but I think I'll sleep better returning Mr All-American's car.

I Slept Through Midnight

Well, I did it again... flopped my hours right over backwards... again... after I promised myself that I wouldn't, that I couldn't, that I just CAN'T keep doing this... It is too hard on me.

I work the graveyard shift. It's tough but I really do like it for right now. It makes it a lot easier to work second jobs.

Last week pretty much blew chunks as all I was scheduled at Twilight was 29 hours... 4 days... errr nights... whatever. Then this week I had three nights in a row going in at midnight and I was finding it hard to get up at first. Just when I got used to it, I got days off again.

So yesterday I came in from work to relax, write for a while and eat and then I crashed on the couch. I slept for hours, (what I should've slept) and woke up at midnight, ( a bit late but round abouts when I SHOULD HAVE been getting up)
Instead of getting up, I went on to bed. I awoke again at three. I started to get up but... I finally got up at 8am... feeling completely disgusted with myself. Dammit... I did it again!

I know that sleeping until 8am doesn't seem like a big deal to most people and I don't think anyone in my house understands this... but it's a BIG deal for ME.

I just slept through my entire regular "waking hours"... "working hours"... It would be like a dayshift person sleeping from 8am to 5pm on their day off. Wouldn't that screw you up?

Well... sleeping from midnight to 8am screws me up!
I got up. I had plans... BlobLife to donate plasma and a call to BlobEmploy to put myself as "available" for all this week for day shifts and swing shifts.

I sat down at Wally's computer for a minute to check my e-mail while he was brewing coffee. Our coffee maker blew up, by the way, so he's brewing by hand...

You have sold an item... the e-mail said. I rubbed my eyes. Sold something? WHERE?

I couldn't freeking believe it...

I opened a "store" on Zazzle not long ago. I'm just getting started setting it up. I haven't put up links anywhere, have not promoted it at all, no one knows about it but me and Wally. It's not really ready yet... but I already SOLD something off of it!

I sold a poster of this...

I don't know who bought it or anything... no comments were left but there was some change in my PayPal from it...

Well, that pretty much wrecked my day... I decided to take the day off and work on my art sites. 

I'm still mulling over "my brilliant idea" too... I've almost gotten all of the "how to's" figured out. Now I'm just trying to decide if I should really try it. 

Tomorrow is another day... another day of trying to get work and worrying about money and trying to figure out how to get a car and going in at midnight tomorrow night/Thursday morning.

Oh joy.