I have not had anything to say.
I do have to seriously thank all of my blog friends who actually searched me out.. only to find me hiding on Facebook playing games. I love you all dearly.
Now, please pull up a chair and sit with me for a while... I'm ready to spill...
To catch you up on stuff in general.. Wally and I are as silly and in love as we've ever been. He still cannot work in the states. I just don't have the money needed to finish filing the paperwork to get his Social Security Card and finalize getting him here.
The instant that I bought a used car (in June) my hours at work were cut... which figures... this place is ass-backwards... (oh good, she got a car, doing better, now she doesn't need as much work..... wtf! ... helllooooooo car payments!!!!)
I am extremely unhappy, disappointed, dismayed, annoyed and irritated with my work situation, the entire management team, The Bakery, Confectionary, Tobacco Workers and Grain Millers International UNION #9 and ALL of the stupid DONKEYS they rode in on... You ALL blow CHUNKS! I HATE YOU! Nuf said..
My boy, Tony is still working in Alaska and should be back in town here in a couple of weeks. I am aching to see him again.
My girl has been in a bit of trouble since the end of the last school year and since then it seems to have been a never-ending series of occassions where she's been getting caught doing stupid stuff.
For the most part I have a hard time taking it too seriously. I mean really!!! I did some questionable things when I was her age and I don't believe she has done anything that's worse than anything I ever did... of course I did grow up in a different time and the town I grew up in was not even CLOSE to being as RETARDED as this one.
I am to the point where my patience has worn too thin... tolerance?... HAHAHA!!!... throw THAT out the window... I am BEYOND angry...
Okay, so there have been issues... She was caught smoking, (off school grounds.. during a break time) and pulled into the office and searched. (This was before school ended last year.) Then she was caught in the park this summer making out with her boyfriend and under the influence of alcohol. Since we are HERE, these things were made into federal cases.
They ignore the meth lab house down the street... the teenager that IS NOT FROM HERE gets lewd and lascivious behaviour charges against her. Police were involved. It almost went to court.
She did her punishment from the last trouble she was in, including community service, and completed the "Diversions" program. Then in trouble again... (the park thing) Now we're sitting in front of Miss Marcy Darcy once again and..she...is...pissed...off...
I feel like a total turd because I have sat in front of her for Tony, on more than one occasion, and now for Dani.. ohhh dammit!
Sooooo okay... now Danielle is looking at a drug treatment program (with constant UA's) counciling three times a week, PLUS another class about making good choices that she must attend once a week, AND a crap-ton more of community service.
Anybody that's smoked a cig before they were 18 years old, raise your hand...
Anybody that got drunk before they were 21, raise your hand...
Anybody that's made out in a public place, raise your hand...
If you raised your hand for any (or all) of those, what was YOUR punishment?
Her UA's have been clean. We are not talking about a drug problem... We are talking about a somewhat naive teenage girl that is being singled out and prosecuted in this stupid town.
We are from ORLANDO Florida... These people are freeking out... OMG! Big City Folk! Let's beat them up before they ruin us!
I HATE IT HERE... I WANT TO MOVE!!!!... oh, did I say that out loud?
Today was a rather peaceful morning. I was piddling around playing some games and reseaching a bit because I am serious... I want to move... I need to go to a place where I can use the skills I've been trained for... There MUST be a bakery somewhere on the west coast that KNOWS what simple syrup is and accepts cake orders for rolled fondant... a place that would LIKE to move me beyond frying donuts and basic baking. :P
I wanted to simplify my life.. not work a dumbass job forever...
Then the phone rang... It was Danielle's school... Oh My Freeking Gahhh... Please don't tell me three days into school she's in trouble again... I let it ring through and got the message.. Yep.. She's in trouble, busted again for smoking.. (off campus, during a break time) ... WTF?
Her five days suspension would be reduced to zero days if she complied, which she was willing to do. I could call back if I had any questions.
I have no f*cking questions for these jackasses... I did not call back.
Other kids here are meth and E addicts but that is ignored because of WHO they are... WHO their Dad is... WHO their family is...
I try never to be prejudiced in any way... I am just telling you what I have been seeing first hand.
A little while later I got another call from the school... Noooooooo!!!! Not the schoooool!!! Arggg!
This one was good.. This is sooo good! Seriously. Hold on to your shorts! You are going to LOVE this! .... I did,
I was speaking to the ASSistant Principal of her school. There was a problem. She was searched after this incident and they found BAYER aspirin in her backpack. Uh oh... I know this is an infraction and could be trouble... crap...
But they found some other "pills" too...
"Okay," I said as I waited breathlessly for him to tell me more...
"They look like M&M's," he said, "but there are different sizes and they have a weird stamp on them. I have never seen M&M's like this before. The police have been called in and they believe these are some kind of drug, so they've been sent in for analysis. With results from that pending, Danielle is expelled from school,"
I know my daughter has to be in tears now... school is very important to her.
"Uh huh," I said..
"Danielle says that they are candies that were given to her by ***** ... so we are investigating,"
If my daughter says they are M&M Candies then THAT is what they are!.. WHAT?
INSTANTLY PISSED OFF... but being curt and silent on the phone... I have learned my lesson well here.. give these people NO fuel for the fire.
Wally went to pick her up.
The police had figured out by then that they were looking at chocolate.
Everybody that loves chocolate raise your hand!!
Everybody that's had their parents called because they had chocolate "pills" in their backpack raise your hand!
OMG!!! We have a chocolate addict!!!! LET'S PUT HER IN A SPECIAL CLASS!!!!
See? I told you it was rich.. *insert crazy, pulling hair out face"
The "pills" were indeed M&M's.. The last time I checked, that's chocolate and it isn't "just cause" to have you expelled from school... or arrested... or to have your folks called over the issue...
Look, I am sorry but REALLY! This kind of crap DOES NOT HAPPEN in other places!!
I have lived in a lot of places and I have NEVER had this much trouble.
I am waaaayyyy BEYOND angry!...
I need to find another place to live... I'm done here.
I had a meltdown, returned to work, felt sick all day and wondered if Wally would even be here when I came home, after all of the things I said... would he stick around. I wondered if I should come home. Perhaps I should find a place to stay in Twilight. I need a place to sleep.
I came home and was greeted at the door with an embrace that was like the first time we held each other... I love you no matter what and I never want to be without you kind of embrace.
Dani came in and told us that she was planning to go out with Bruce to the mall and spend the night at her house. It was kind of surprising that Dani was even hanging out with Bruce again as she'd proved to be... um, not a very good friend.
I call her "Bruce" here because she reminds me of the comedian, Lenny Bruce... in a way. Although she is a girl and a fabulously beautiful girl, she is all messed up and incredibly abrasive and offensive to my senses.
Dani looked so darn gorgeous and I felt my heart swell with pride that somehow I've raised such a level-headed, intelligent young woman. We hugged her and she went on her way as Bruce's mom showed up to pick her up.
I was tired and hungry... so we decided to make a grocery run. It's hard to buy groceries without a car to haul them home in. It's hard to make the trip to the store on foot when you've been going for over 20 hours straight.
I had the thought of using one of the kids rolling suitcase things to carry groceries home in. Wouldn't that be easier? We could just pull it. Right? It has wheels.
So, away we went to pick up a few things for a delicious dinner...
It turned out to be a rather easy trip for a change. The rolling suitcase was a good idea.
We'd only been home for a short while when the door opened and we were surprised to see Dani... in tears... Behind her stood a very tall female police officer.
I was on my feet and at the door.
Yes, I'm her mother...
She was caught shoplifting at three stores in the mall. Two stores are pressing charges. We're going to court.
WTF?!?!?! I could not have been more surprised.
I was then directed outside for a private talk with the cop. She wanted to confirm who I was and who the girl was that was with Dani, which I did. Bruce had taken off and left Dani holding the bag, so to speak. Come to find out, Bruce has been in trouble for this several times before.
Then she told me that in the process of the search they found "a bunch" of condoms in Dani's backpack and felt like I should be made aware of this.
"Oh, I'm aware," I blurted out. "You are?" she asked.
I was reeling, "Did you say a bunch?" I asked. "Yes," she said, "You were aware of this?"
I paused not knowing what to say and feeling like I'd already said the wrong thing. I can just hope that the cop saw my confusion.
So, she's banned from her favorite place... the mall...
So, we're going to court and this is going to cost a lot of money. So, she's getting a job to pay for it.
So, the scholarship she's been working towards for the last two years is shot to pieces. She no longer will qualify for it since she's now in trouble with the law.
So... I am heartbroken.
I tried to and then I lost it and then I thought it was for the best, so I let it go.
It was a bad week. I got hurt and seriously thought... this might be it for me... If I don't have my body... well? I'm done for. It's all over. I was in so much pain I could not see straight, or think straight, or anything else. I fell flat on my face.
And that is what it was.
I found this post... so here it is...
I'm sitting at the TreeHouse
I had a job interview at the Co-op place that I've been wanting to work at. It was all weird. The deli manager that I met with looked like an unmade bed, had a good few days of beard growth and his name tag on upside down. His assistant had pink hair and purple lipstick.
The job they're offering is
With MY luck I'll probably get it.! HAHAHA!
It's been a
I went on to work that evening, (Thursday? I guess.) and I fell off the bus at my stop in Twilight. I hurt my back and my hip and now I have this weird piercing pain under my arm. I didn't tell anyone about my fall because
Luckily I had a spare uniform at work to change into. I went on to The TreeHouse to hang out until they
I don't know how I got home but I made it... minus my computer...
I managed to pick up my paycheck,
Since I lost my car, my work days are 18-20 hours long with the commute. I'm
I think I am totally screwed and I cannot do this by myself.
Now, I am hurt
I asked Wally to help me... He says, "I know... Why don't you just rent a room in Twilight? Won't that make it easier for you?"
I found my computer. The nice little girl at the TreeHouse had it locked up for me. I haven't found my gloves. Oh well.
Then last night the door opens. Weird, because Dani was supposed to be out with her girlfriend, Bruce, and spending the night... In walks Dani with a cop behind her... a cop that wanted to speak to me.
I just love it when my kids are escorted home by cops.
I'm starting another work week... four nights straight at Twilight.
Right now I'm sitting at "The Treehouse" (coffee shop) dreading closing time as it approaches and I'm not sure where I'm going to go next. Will it be Creepy King's or the old breakroom at work? I'm finding it a bit difficult to be transient.
I'm also wondering why half of the text on my computer seems to be showing up in Japanese or something...
I'm already looking forward to having my shift as a baker at Twilight be over and done with tonight. Ah well, it should go by quickly.
Tomorrow morning when I'm off I'm planning to go to BlobLife to donate plasma and then I have a job interview. The co-op place called me back. I was too late for the bakery position but there's a spot in the deli. I'm not real sure about this but it is "in town", close to where I live. I could walk there if I had to. I have been wanting to work there. (This is my third time applying.)
I just have very mixed emotions about it. I really need a second job but I'm wondering how I'll fit it in. I suppose I'll just worry about that if I need to...
It seems like no matter how hard I try to run my own life, it just keeps running me instead...
It's cold, wet and it's fall... I think fall is going to pass quite quickly this year and it will be winter-like conditions very soon. We did have a very pleasant loooong summer, so this is what we get.
It was a rough week for me. I didn't return Mr All-American's car... only because I didn't see him. We were scheduled opposite days. I have been sick. I guess I could term it "terrified sickness"... I've been floundering around. I've been terrified of the mere thought of living without a car... my freedom... my independence... GONE.... all gone...
There has been this thought in my head for many years now, that I simply cannot survive without a car.
It's been ringing in my head now louder than ever and I've been scared shitless. I don't know WHAT to do.
I have felt pressure from ALL sides of me to buy another car, at home, at work and from friends... and from myself too.
If I buy a car right this minute I can't pay rent... If I don't pay rent?... That means the three of us have no place to go. These people slap out eviction notices pronto.
So, I've been pretty deep in thought for the past couple of weeks.
I have come to these conclusions...
I cannot afford a car right now. ( if I could I would still have the Sonata that was just repo'd)
Being without a car is not the end of the world for me.
I must stop letting others persuade me in my choices of purchases.
AND once again (just to make a big fat point...)
I cannot afford car right now.
I've been faithfully planning finances and budgeting and STILL find myself running short and wondering WTF?!? Where does it go? Now after delving in even deeper and REALLY nickle and diming it, I am seeing things that have surprised me... there are a lot of hidden costs to having a car, things that you really don't think about... and as far as I go I usually just toss those costs into the old misc. file or even the grocery file... But when I think about it... hey!... The week before I lost the car I purchased windshield wipers and fluid, oil, a car wash, and renewed the tags... about 100 bucks worth of added expense... it's stuff like this that I don't really think about but I have done because I have to in order to maintain a car.
A car costs more than just the car payment, insurance and gas... I know this... but WHY didn't I bother to figure it out on paper before? Personally, the price of gas has me completely distracted... Oh dear heavens WHAT is gas going to cost TODAY?
I want to try this for a while... getting by without a car...
The more I keep working it out on paper the more I've been thinking... Maybe I can dig myself out of the financial mess I've been in by NOT having the expenses of a car?
Remember how I said I wanted to disentangle myself from RuffMuff?
Well, her contract from the paper route is being canceled as of November first and since that's happening she wants to take back over all of the merchandising work because her income will be lacking. Which means Wally and I no longer have the paper route or the merchandising jobs.
Geez.. I'm disentangled... that was easy!...
It did help fuel my "terrified sickness" though. OH NOOoooo!!!.... No EXTRA WORK???? No EXTRA INCOME???
Until I got to thinking about it and putting it on paper. It turns out that after paying for gas and for 10 hours of work every other Friday Wally and I walk away with under 50 dollars of pay for the paper route. This week for the merchandising was a REAL bust... I was handed 60 bucks for two weeks worth of work in three different towns. I LOST money after paying for gas to get where I needed to go to do the jobs... basically, I PAID for going to work...
So after figuring this out, I am VERY okay with losing these jobs... and I must stop beating myself over the head about it thinking that I'm missing out on something, because I'm not.
I know I can get to work and back to Twilight without a car. It will just take more time. I think I should just make better use of my time...
I'm thinking about this in a very optomistic way now. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'll be regretting this when I'm knee deep in snow hoofing it to the bus-stop only to find that the bus service is canceled. (Oh, I hope I'm kidding) But I'm thinking right now that this will be good.
It will cut my expenses. A LOT. I could use the extra excercise. Maybe I'll drop the excess poundage I've been carrying around? Being out and up close in town (instead of wizzing by in a car) maybe I'll have a better chance of finding a secure second job?
Yes, I'm thinking this will be okay...
When I do sleep I could sleep through ANY alarm clock. Heck... a cannon blast wouldn't wake me. When I get like that I could sleep for hours and hours too... sometimes around the clock. Usually that happens after days and days of very little sleep.
Actually this is NOTHING. I used to be much worse.
I think I have figured out WHY I have sleeping problems sometimes.
I think this happens when I am not comfortable in my own skin.
I remember the days when I was in Florida and living "the American dream" with Jake, I was so unhappy, everything was such a lie. It looked sweet from the outside but it was so sour on the inside. I couldn't deal with feeling so fake... No wonder my sleepwalking episodes became more frequent!
Out here? I don't know if I can describe it... I'm happy. I've been struggling here but I'm happy. Things make me mad and frustrate me but I'm happy. My finances are to a state of emergency but I'm happy.
I'm handing over my bosses car keys tomorrow.
I can't keep that car any longer. I am NOT comfortable in my own skin because I'm using that car. I don't want to face Mr. All-American day after day and have that question between us... WHEN is he getting his car back?...
It makes me dread work, (at a place I really enjoy working at) and makes me hate waking up each day. I don't want the evenings to end and have to go to sleep knowing that I'll have to go in and face another day. I'm either full of anxiety and I can't sleep or I want to sleep through my entire life... just sleep forever.
I can't do it anymore.
He wants his car back. I have to give him his car back and thank him and be done with that.
It was a band-aid... not a fix.
It was a nice band-aid, but now I have to fix it.
I don't have a car yet. I don't have enough money for one. I have to have a down-payment at this point. Even if I did I doubt I could swing the payments. Being hopeful is good. Being hopeful in my case has been my downfall. I've borrowed money thinking that something will come along next week... yeah well... it didn't... but NEXT week it will, and so on and so on.
Paycheck loans are POISON. Don't ever EVER take out a payday loan! (unless you are about to be evicted... which is what I did) Still, it's bad. The 394% interest is killing me.
"The poor get poorer."... "It takes money to make money." ... Both phrases ring true in an Americans life... But I personally cannot believe either one of them. I think the poor can get rich and you can make something out of nothing and that you can make money, maybe a lot of money even if you don't have money to invest.
Ahh, there is the dreamer in me... fell off the turnip truck... bumped head real hard... listening to the stupid media as they tell of rags to riches stories and how social security recipients don't get a cost of living increase this year (the first time since 1975) because we have no inflation.
Hmmm... I'm just an average bear. It seems to me that inflation already inflated and exploded. What we have on our hands here is a depression but nobody will say it out loud.
I was hoping maybe today... I'd have enough for a down-payment on a car, but my paycheck was putrid and even with my pay from the paper route and BlobLife, it's sad. After paying a loan payment it's worth tears. I didn't cry but the fact remained. It is not enough.
I don't know what will happen from here, but I think I'll sleep better returning Mr All-American's car.
I work the graveyard shift. It's tough but I really do like it for right now. It makes it a lot easier to work second jobs.
Last week pretty much blew chunks as all I was scheduled at Twilight was 29 hours... 4 days... errr nights... whatever. Then this week I had three nights in a row going in at midnight and I was finding it hard to get up at first. Just when I got used to it, I got days off again.
So yesterday I came in from work to relax, write for a while and eat and then I crashed on the couch. I slept for hours, (what I should've slept) and woke up at midnight, ( a bit late but round abouts when I SHOULD HAVE been getting up)
Instead of getting up, I went on to bed. I awoke again at three. I started to get up but... I finally got up at 8am... feeling completely disgusted with myself. Dammit... I did it again!
I know that sleeping until 8am doesn't seem like a big deal to most people and I don't think anyone in my house understands this... but it's a BIG deal for ME.
I just slept through my entire regular "waking hours"... "working hours"... It would be like a dayshift person sleeping from 8am to 5pm on their day off. Wouldn't that screw you up?
Well... sleeping from midnight to 8am screws me up!
I got up. I had plans... BlobLife to donate plasma and a call to BlobEmploy to put myself as "available" for all this week for day shifts and swing shifts.
I sat down at Wally's computer for a minute to check my e-mail while he was brewing coffee. Our coffee maker blew up, by the way, so he's brewing by hand...
You have sold an item... the e-mail said. I rubbed my eyes. Sold something? WHERE?
I couldn't freeking believe it...
I opened a "store" on Zazzle not long ago. I'm just getting started setting it up. I haven't put up links anywhere, have not promoted it at all, no one knows about it but me and Wally. It's not really ready yet... but I already SOLD something off of it!
I sold a poster of this...
I don't know who bought it or anything... no comments were left but there was some change in my PayPal from it...
Well, that pretty much wrecked my day... I decided to take the day off and work on my art sites.
I'm still mulling over "my brilliant idea" too... I've almost gotten all of the "how to's" figured out. Now I'm just trying to decide if I should really try it.
Tomorrow is another day... another day of trying to get work and worrying about money and trying to figure out how to get a car and going in at midnight tomorrow night/Thursday morning.