kzswindow

I might not see her again. I'm not so sure that this bluff will work for me this time. Of course I wasn't so sure before either when Jake first insisted that he was going to keep her, but I was pretty sure I was holding all of the aces. This time it's looking like I got three Hearts and his hand is probably better. He says that she only comes home to me if I pay for the plane ticket. In the world of Jake and I, as parents?... we bought our children. That has changed for me, but it hasn't for Jake.

She didn't get a new backpack. She gave me back my 30 bucks (minus 8 bucks) and Wally repaired her old backpack for her trip.

We all talked. I went over the finances with Dani and Wally because I didn't feel like either of them knew exactly what I've been facing here. There were some eye-openers here and there for all of us and really going over it I've figured out how I can cut some more corners. I still have to get a second job though. There's no way around it.

I took Dani out for a coffee and a good long talk. She wants to live with us here. She wants to see her Dad too. She's worried about Jakes threat to keep her there if I can't pay her way back. Now she's even more worried after seeing our bills all listed on paper. I told her I'd figure out something.

If I was stronger I'd just forbid her to go, tell Jake to shut up and I that I won't allow myself to be black-mailed and Dani to be manipulated.

I am not strong right now though. I have been so close to just giving up I can't even tell you.

Wally was rather upset with me for deleting the RedBubble site. He has set it up again, he put it all back. I suppose that's alright. It's a great place to display things. It just pissed me off as I discovered the price gouging on things. I mean like 3 dollars "shipping" costs for ONE greeting card? Come on!

I woke up this morning with one of my eyes swollen shut. A complete surprise and it was bad. I had trouble last week with one eye (or eyelid) thought it was just a stye and treated it as such and it got better mostly but still puffy. This time it's the other eye and I thought.. geez, another stye?... Except this is really BAD and extremely painful. Now I'm wondering if I've had a reaction to something. Of course this is great timing as I'm getting ready for job interviewing.

I went on in to work anyway and took a long lunch to pick up Wally and Dani's new boyfriend and get Dani to the airport.

So she's gone.

I've been back to work at Twilight. It's just been work... nothing interesting or funny or even noteworthy going on. Maybe it's because I've been floating through the days in a trance.

I'm still trying to get my bearings back from the catering gig. It wore on me physically and emotionally. I went to donate plasma Monday and I was flagged for a SPE test, Serum Protein Electrophoresis... again. (dammit I knew that was going to happen!) What this means is that my protein levels have dropped. That just made my day. I'm hoping that the results come back good this time, but I really doubt that they will. I haven't been eating that well and only sleeping here and there.

I've finally figured out how to navigate CraigsList and have managed to find a few job postings there and elsewhere and I've put in a few job applications. No calls yet, of course.

Dani's new stink of the week is wanting a new backpack to take with her to Florida. Her other backback is broken and we seem to be missing most of our luggage. (my guess is that it moved out with Tony) so it's a valid squalk... but still... Well? She seems to be wanting to pack everything, as in EVERYTHING. Jake sent extra money for her extra baggage.

Then Tony came by with his buddy Bluster in tow, of course. It was nice to see Tony again for a while and shoot the breeze. It was just Tony, Wally and me on the balcony when I asked, "So, is Dani planning on coming back from Florida?" I knew Tony would know what was going on. He leaned forward and said, "Well, she says she's only coming back if you pay her way,"

It's just another game and Jake is bent on dragging Dani through the middle of it as a pawn. I know I promised that I'd pay the airfare for this summers trip. I also knew it was stupid of me to do that being in the position that I'm in.

I should probably forbid her to go and let Jake eat that frigging ticket, but at this point she is hell-bent on going and she isn't a little kid. I'm letting her go.

So she needs her backback and we've been discussing this for a few days. Her price went from 20 to 30 dollars for what she would need but I'd get change back she said. I gave her 30 today although I'm busy scraping up two car payments so they don't haul it away.

Ten seconds after she got to the mall she called me. It wasn't enough money. She needed a few more dollars for tax. I told her I didn't have any more cash. I just don't have it. She hung up on me.

I want to take her out for coffee, I mean "a mocha" ( or is it a mocha crap-o-chino?) before she goes... and now I'm wondering why I want to bother.

I must say that I had a really good day today.

I'm keeping my job which makes me really happy. The people I work with are happy too which makes that even better.

It's the holiday and we were cranking today again, just like yesterday. There were four of us "in the back" (production people) Inga was in at Midnight, RuffMuff and I were in at 4am and Loafer at 5am.

It was an odd mix considering that I like Inga and RuffMuff and hate Loafer, and RuffMuff hates Inga and Loafer, and Inga hates all of us and thinks we all hate her, and Roger thinks everybody likes hims and everybody hates him.

The stinky Inga issue was finally addressed in the most tactful way possible...in a joking manner. RuffMuff said, "Did everyone put on double their deodorant today?" ( We all had on our roller skates today, the production had to be fast paced to keep up. ) Oh yes, yes we put on deodorant. Even Loafer played along. Inga said, "Oh, I don't wear deodorant," We all paused.

Gee, really? Personally I never would've guessed. My eyes were watering all morning...

It was then pointed out that we do production work, labor, and it's hot, we sweat, we should all wear deodorant to prevent stinkage.

Inga was indignant,"I shower twice a day!" she spouted. RuffMuff said, "Well, I shower ONCE a day, put on deodorant and I don't STINK,"

Shortly after that it was the end of Inga's shift and she couldn't wait to get out of there. I'm sure she was embarrassed, but really... don't you discover at puberty that deodorant is important?

I came home to peel off my whites, shower, and dress from head to toe in black instead of white. It was kinda weird and I was sooooo nervous! I was literally shaking when I left here to go do my catering shift.

I'm an IMPOSTOR I thought... I don't know how to do this!

I went down to the fanciest hotel in this town and parked in the underground garage and started walking up to find where I was supposed to go for this gig.

That's when I found my courage... I'll just act like I know what I'm doing.

Of course the very specific directions from the temp agency were wrong. (This happens 99.9% of the time.) I had the directions in writing so it isn't like I remembered it wrong. I was looking at it on the piece of paper I had in my hand. It said to go into the hotel, pass the main desk and on the left there would be a podium where I would meet my supervisor. Well, there was NOT a podium on the left, it was down a hallway and the woman that greeted me there informed me that I was in the wrong building. I was supposed to be in the "Ballroom", not in the Hotel. The Ballroom was the next building over. Upon entering the ballroom there was no main desk and there was no podium.

The catering gig turned out to be a wedding. There were about ten of us to serve 180 guests. For the first hour and a half we all polished the silverware, water glasses and wine glasses.

Then we were called together for a briefing where we got our table assignments, we were told about the appetizers we were going to be serving, the wine we were going to be pouring, and the menu... you gotta know what it is. I was fine with the food part of it. The wine? Hoo Boy! The names blew right over my head. One was white and one was red, you know?

I've never served appetizers, I've never served wine, I haven't waited tables in 26 years...

First thing I almost got smacked in the face with the kitchen door by some IDIOT that was more of an impostor than I was. I told him how it was because really, if he uses the wrong door HE is the one that's gonna get hurt in the end.

Okay, most kitchens have swinging doors, some have windows in the door, some don't. (this one didn't) The rule is you always go through the right hand door and you always push it. If he continued to use the wrong door one of two things would happen... he's gonna get hurt when the door smashes in on his face when he's trying to exit the wrong door and someone else is coming in... OR... he's gonna smash someone else in the face while he's using the wrong door and then they're gonna hurt him.

My only real tricky moment was when one of my tables ran low on red wine and I went to the bar to request another bottle. Geez. The bartender sat a bottle of wine on my serving tray quickly and then just went on like he knew I'd be able to actually balance this sucker like a REAL waitress/server or something, It was scary for a moment. It teetered and tottered, weebled and wobbled, but it didn't fall down.

I pretended like I knew what I was doing and somehow pulled it off.

After we cleared the dinner plates most of us were sent home. They were overstaffed we were told.

So, I only got to work half of the shift. I'll only make half of the money. *sigh*...

"I don't want you to take this the wrong way," Wally says, "but I'll be glad to see Dani go to Florida,"

I just sat here and sighed. His admission didn't bother me a bit.

I feel the same way. I feel guilty for feeling that way... but really... I cannot wait until she's gone.

Communication between us and Dani has had a serious breakdown. I have to think... I don't know what to think... oh hell, I think Jake has been calling her constantly. I hear Jake's voice coming out of her mouth all the time now... omg the things she says...

I know that I've disappointed her horribly and I've probably embarrassed her because she did have such faith in me.

There has been no way that I could afford to send her to Florida this summer after I promised her and Jake that I would.

Jake is of course the "hero" as he did send her a new phone (still with a Florida number) and money to buy a graduation dress in Seattle. Now his "hero" statis has just skyrocketed to "stellar" since he bought the plane ticket.

Wally and I have paid for her physicals and eye care and the dentist when Jake's insurance card was repeatedly denied. We bought her bed, her clothes and school supplies, and, and, and... you know what I mean if you have kids... uniforms, pictures, yearbooks, fieldtrips, and, and, and, you'd be surprised how much and often that you're milked.

I'm struggling to keep us in this apartment, (where she can have her own bedroom), and feed us all and have everything we need... and Jake is the hero and .. I... am... the... butthead.

It just isn't fair.

"It's okay," I told Wally, "I'm glad to see her go too,"

I cannot say anything right to her. Every time I open my mouth I piss her off and she gets all snooty and storms off to her bedroom, which pisses ME off in return. What? All I said was that there's no need to pack hoodies to go to Florida. It's July. It's HOT there. She said it was for the rain and I said well then you'll be wet AND hot. She shot me arrows out of her eyes and stomped away. I went and apologized to her, because really, does it matter that much what she packs? I don't care. She can find out on her own that it's 110 there in the shade right now.

When I got home from work she had Wally take her out to a friends house so Wally and I had the afternoon to ourselves.

I've mostly been resting because tomorrow is going to be a really long day. I'll be working two jobs tomorrow.

I also had a rather tough day today at work.

It's the 4th of July so we-be-cranking... Along with picking up the pace the stress increases. I'm pretty good at handling that, the fast pace doesn't get to me and I found myself picking up the loose ends and doing what wasn't getting done. I was all over the ovens today. I kept the proof box and ovens full and product was coming out back to back. I was doing really good baking today too... everything proofed just right and baked perfectly, even with a few snafu's involved... like one of the girls bumping into the oven and shutting it off...

The "boys" (my manager and the "second", mr allAmerican and Loafer) started fussing. I think my mere presence made it worse. (cock fight) Neither would back down and it seemed like it wasn't going to end. I really wanted to crawl under the bench. They both ended up taking breaks then and I was left by myself which was fine by me. I continued to work.

Then PonyEyes came running past me crying.

She went to the back and I thought about following her but Loafer was back there. He's the "second" he'll take care of it I thought. Don't you know he came ripping around that corner blushing and rolling his eyes at me and left!

One of the other girls came through then and I asked her what was wrong and she said she didn't know. The decorator followed her.

I stood there for a minute wondering what to do. I don't know this girl very well, but I do know her and I do like her. Out east, since I didn't know her well I would've minded my own business, her friends are with her. Out here, I know her, so I'll be looked at as weird if I don't go see what's wrong and well? I barely know her but I care about her. So I went.

The three of us stood around her as she cried. She got a phone call. Her Grandma is going to be put in hospice care. She's worried about her Grandma and also how her mom will take this. ( I had talked to her a bit a couple of months ago. She lost her brother last fall. She didn't seem to want to talk about that so I didn't ask questions. But I am pretty sure that we have something in common.)

She kept saying she was sorry and we told her it was alright. You know what? All of us standing there were mature women that have all been through a lot. Then one girl started to cry... then the other... then there was me... I was standing there like a lump.

Weird.... I've been pathetic for days and unable to control my tears. But today?... No tears. Even though my heart was breaking for PonyEyes, I was a damn emotionless lump on the outside.

She started wiping her tears and hugging the girls and said, "Gee, now I've ruined everyone's day!" which made us all burst into laughter and everyone else had more tears. I just laughed harder. ( I thought surely she won't want a hug from me... she's known the others for years... she barely knows me..) But she stepped toward me and I stepped back. She threw her little arms around my neck anyway and it was too late. I had to hold her.

It's been a long time since I've touched "a stranger"... especially one that was in emotional distress. The sadness, grief and desperation swept through me. "We've dealt with so much!" she cried, "It's not fair! Life isn't fair," she sobbed.

"No, it isn't fair," I told her.

Painful to watch... but here you are...

Talking to my Dad is not a good thing for me. I must let that go. He has such a low opinion of me. He just says it in such a muddled way that sometimes it's hard to see it clearly. It's kinda one of those things like, I love you BUT you are really a up uck.... yeah... only it's weirder. By the time he's done I have no idea what he's really said.

I don't talk to Jake AT ALL anymore... and that has helped me. Now, I really think that I shouldn't talk to Dad anymore either.

Both of them seem to think that they have the right to stick their noses into my life. Seems to me they should both mind their own business since neither of them are responsible for me and I am not entangled with either of them financially, so they can just bugger off.

It seems like the check (to the Union) thing is going to work. I know it wasn't a good solution, it's just all that I could come up with. I called them. They got the check and I am "okay'd" to continue working. They haven't deposited it yet so all is good. I'll have enough money in there tomorrow to cover it. Here again if something funky should happen I do have overdraft protection too.

I was sort of teetering on the brink for a while. My eyebrows are toast, but I didn't chop my hair off. My thought was to seriously chop the crap out of it and dye it blond, which I'm sure will be a funky orange-yellow for me since I am a very dark auburn, or I used to be. I am sick of the gray. I am sick of looking like "me"... I am sick of myself.

Yes, I was having some dark thoughts but I do that sometimes. I have a very dark side to me. It's nothing new. It's always been there. Sometimes getting sooo so dark makes finding a happy moment all that much sweeter.

Then... I don't know what happened, or what changed, but I showered and brushed my long locks out and suddenly as I looked in the mirror the silver streaks in my hair just glistened in the sunlight pouring though our tiny bathroom window and I thought to myself, 'wow... that is pretty'... the hair stays...

I've put in four job applications this week and I've heard nothing... typical for here. They probably aren't even really hiring.

I went down to BlobEmploy. I decided I'd just march in there, show my face and go WTF!... (I've been calling them for a couple of months and having myself put as "available" but I never got any calls... so maybe if I show my face?)

So, I went in rather aggressively and asked what I needed to do to get on the call list again. I'll fill out another application. I'll drug test. Whatever. I need work. What do I need to do? "Oh! I remember YOU!" the secretary said.

A couple of hours later I had a call from them setting me up for a catering gig for this Saturday.

I went down today after working at Twilight to get the information on the job, "You DO have catering experience, right?" she asked me. "Oh, yes," I said without skipping a beat. ( I do have experience but it has been years! Oh good heavens!) She looked me up and down, from head to toe. I was dressed in my whites and I was actually really clean today. "Perfect," she said, "Just dress exactly as you are now except all in black," I told her that was no problem. "Oh, and you must put your hair up," she said. I nodded, "Of course,"

The shift is on the fourth of July. After I work at Twilight that early morning, I'll go to the catering job. It's a nine hour shift and pays well.

This is what I need. I just need work. I'm not that short on my pay, but it's enough short to put me further and further behind every month, which just ends up costing me more with late fees and puts me further behind. I am not submerged yet. I still think I can pull out of this.

Good news/ bad news... Jake has paid for Dani's plane ticket to Florida... one way...

Let's throw lemons at him, shall we?

I've been going through a deep dark funk. I'm working this out in my own head. It's to the point of "scary" to seriously write down my honest thoughts. I have to consider my tendency to be "brutally honest"... a term intended to be an insult to me. A term that I suppose I will never forget.

I was having a fairly good day before I returned my Dad's call.

I figured out how to deal with my problems with the UNION. A risky solution... but a solution none-the-less... I sent them a rubber check. That'll allow me to at least finish out the work week. Hey, and who knows? Maybe by the time they deposit the check I'll have my next paycheck in there and it'll be covered?

I brought home fixins to make hawaiin chicken on the grill. It has been one of our favorites. I don't care how broke we are, we are going to eat, every other bill in the world can just wait. (besides I found everything on sale!)

My Dad.

I've always had a push and pull thing going on in my head about my Dad. I have always greatly respected him and his opinions and believed that he was brilliant. Then on the other side... I know how cruel he can be. He was not nice to my mother and he's not nice to his current wife. He has mentally beaten her into submission now though, so all is well. *sarcasm sarcasm*

My Dad was never in the mlitary, although he has greatly admired any men that were, including his own father and my ex-husband Jake.

At one point in my life Dad either flat out lied to me or else led me to believe that he had indeed been in the Army Reserves at one point. I thought he had been. When I mentioned it once in front of my Mom she almost split a gut laughing and told me that it was not true.

My Dad never served in any branch of the mlitary and was never a Reserve, but he seems to be pretty sure that it rocks.

My Dad's father, my Grampa H, was in the Army and served in Korea. He was the "war-HERO" of the family. There were not any stories told. He was just a hero and we just believed that.

Later on, after Grampa H died, I found out that he was not such a "hero" and in fact spent most of his army years in the brigg because of his violent temper. I guess punching your superior in the face brings many days of peeling potatoes.

Kind of brings to mind a friend that I used to chat with, a woman from Germany. She warned me not to brag about my German name from my father's side because it is not a good family name. A rough translation means "bar-brawler" which is really looked down upon. Funny how that shit hit home...

I remember being quite impressed with my Dad when I was very young in West Virginia. Dad was doing anything and everything to get himself through school. He was finishing up his degree in Engineering and having a good old time shooting me off algebra questions... I was five at the time. I felt stupid. I did learn bits and pieces of advanced math before I learned how to add and subtract.

I was standing in the front seat of the Buick Wildcat with my little arm wrapped around the back of my Dad's neck as we were driving along. (there were no seat beats back then) "What's the shortest point between A and B, Kimmy?" he asked me. "Straight across, Daddy!" I called...

I hate being called Kimmy.

The conversation I just had with him annoyed me to no end.

How can such a brilliant man be so fucking STUPID?

#1- Tony should enlist in the ARMY so he can get an education...

#2- Wally should get work here even though it's ILLEGAL for him to do so.

#3- I should HIDE my car.

#4- What I am doing is IMPOSSIBLE and I should give up.

My cousin Susie is Dad's favorite in the whole frigging world. She was the most lovely little girl in the world and he loves her the most.

Oh.

That's so nice to know.

I told Dad that I saw Susie in WVa in 2004 and that she hasn't changed a bit. He liked that. ( She's in her 50's and somehow had memories of me and her growing up together that don't exist. She is 15 years older than I am. I'm not sure who she's thinking of but it isn't me.)

He kept saying that "someone should take care of me".

I'm not sure how to take that.

At this point it pisses me off because I've taken care of myself dammit... and how dare he dismiss it as nothing!

He thinks I am worthless. He thinks that I must always have someone else care for me... support me. He thinks I cannot do this. He not only thinks that I'm going to fail, he thinks that I've ALREADY failed!

What have I ever done to deserve having my life defecated all over by this man?

What have I done?

I.. just... don't... understand.

Start throwing lemons... HARD!

"Oh, someone must have died," Wally said... Umm... true... Dad never calls me unless someone is dead.

Just... What... I.. DO... NOT... NEED...

Truthfully.

I was already well prepared to dye my hair orange and then my Father had to call... Oh... Fuuuuuuhhhhh....

The purpose of the call was to let me know that the finance company for my car has been calling him and hassling him. Well, shit.

He did NOT co-sign for me. His name is NOT on the car. The car is only in MY name, and I really don't understand why these people are harrassing my father over the debt.

"You need to HIDE that car," Dad says.

"Hide it?'

"Well, YES. They know EXACTLY where you are," he said.

"Well, of course they know where I am. I financed the car through them,"

"Well, I LIED to them for you and told them that you moved and that I didn't know where you were," he said.

Oh great... Thanks Dad... ( that'll make 'em really go ape-shit bananas)

I am behind on payments but I haven't gotten a repo notice yet... Eh. that's what it's down to... I'm not gonna sweat it until I get a repo notice.

He also called to let me know that someone died.

Uncle Jimmy. I told him that I already knew. I'd gotten an email from Aunt Sue. He asked me about Sue then. "I always liked Sue but for some reason she never liked me," he said. ( Sue despises my father. She won't have anything to do with him at all.)

I adore my Aunt Sue. I always have. I know her fairly well and I believe I know why she hates my father. There isn't just one reason. There are many.

Our conversation continued...

Then Dad implied that I do not know where my son, Tony is or how to contact him. ( Insult me why don't you? ) He wanted to get in contact with him right away because he wanted to advise him to jion the military. That way he can get his education. The military will pay for it all. PLUS they will give him the dicipline that he needs.

I kinda freaked out.

"Dad. Do you realize that we are at WAR?... If Tony joins the military he will be shipped out to Afganistan first thing. Don't you realize that our boys are coming home in boxes?"

We went round for a bit as dad insisted that it was the way Tony could get an education and I proceeded to tell him that if he tried to talk my son into joining the military I would flat out kill him.

He went on from there to belittle me and my husband. We're struggling... but we shouldn't be according to my father.

Suddenly I got this offer out of the blue. Dad wants to HELP me.

BUT he cannot help me if I'm out "here".. I have to return to Florida. He says I can live with him and bring Dani, he'll get me back into Publix and everything will be just like it used to be.

Just... Like... It... Used... To... be....

I swear I'm going to vomit. I need... I need to disappear... I seriously can drive right off the planet.

I told him I'd think about it. (*blink* I thought about it, NO)

I told him I'd send him information of how to contact Tony. (Ehh... I think I'll take my time with that... like maybe he'll NEVER get it... )

Today there is no sun shining on me.

Nothing has changed and I am still in a state of confusion. I thought I would have something figured out by now. I thought after a good long cry and solid night of sleep I'd have some kind of revelation. Maybe something would occur to me out of the blue?... Maybe something would just fall in my lap?... Maybe I'd get a "sign" or a notion, or something?... just something...

Nothing.

I worked from 4am to 9am today... All I could think of is how much I'm going to miss the damn place.

Although it's like stepping back in time for me and I love to make fun of that fact, it's also comforting and familiar and I really love all of the silly people there along with all of their crazy idiosycrasies.

I want to keep this stupid job.

At nine o'clock I was off and sitting in my car and not wanting to go home. I sat there dreaming for a while, until I started to cry. I can't seem to hold the tears back anymore. Yesterday was worse but today is bad too.

My dreams have turned... and I have it all figured out now, which brings me a sick sense of relief. It is relief none the less...

A few days ago I would've been rushing home to log on the RedBubble first thing and see if I got any messages or comments, or made any sales, or if I got another vote in the new contest I entered.

I deleted the RedBubble site yesterday. It is a waste of time. I need to be out looking for more work after I get off of work instead of rushing home to check my websites. I reasoned that if I don't have the distractions I'll have more time to do what I need to do.

I also deleted MosiacGlobe, Imagekind, Vox, MSN, FreeWebs, Blogger, Tagged, Twitter, and Facebook.

I don't think I have much to say.

I guess I've reached a pretty big crossroad and I'm still not sure which way to go.

It looks like I'm going to lose my job as of July 2nd... next Tuesday, or is it Wednesday?.. Whatever. I'm not sure if it even matters much because I can't pay my bills with that job anyway. However, jobs here right now are few and far between and I sure do love it at the Twilight Zone even as crappy as it is.

I am going to be terminated because I have not paid the UNION. I now owe them over 300 dollars and they want it now or else I do not have a job.

You know what I figured out? I know why old ladies shave their eyebrows off and then paint them back on. It's because they don't feel like f*ckin with 'em anymore! Tonight I pretty much shaved mine off. They were bothering me.

I was called into the office by the store manager today. The UNION had faxed him telling him that he had to fire me next week. We talked for a while. He was understanding. He's on my side. He likes me and wants to keep me there. He called the UNION on my behalf to try to get an extension or to make payments or something.

They won't budge.

They claim that I still owe dues from when I was at Blobbins! (which is NOT true)

I bit back tears the rest of day until I got home.

I guess for the most part I was just embarrassed. "Why don't you pay it?" my store manager asked. I had to say, "Because I don't have it," (I guess this guy thinks I'm living high on the hog earning something above minimum wage. HA!)

I want to cut my hair. It bothers me. It's always in my way.

I've been doing pretty well I guess. I've been able to keep my emotions on a pretty even keel and I've continued to have a lot of energy. I've been working and donating plasma.

Work has been going really good as I'm gaining a little respect because of my knowledge and work ethics. I haven't found a second job yet and I'm still feeling a little panicked over that. I must find something soon!

When I'm not working I'm painting. The dragon is on hold for the moment as I'm working on a sunflower right now and it's getting pretty close to finished. Sorry no pics yet... but soon. I've been working on it for over a week and I know that seems like a long time, but it's very detailed. I tend to be meticulous when it comes to painting. I don't know how to be any other way.

Been pretty much going like nutso the last few days. I dunno what it is but once my adrenolin kicks in, it just doesn't seem to stop for quite a while. I'm in high gear.

Wally and I had a very nice anniversary. We just had a beautiful day together, starting with sleeping in. OH... how nice it is to sleep in! Oh how nice it is to be in my loves arms and snuggle, touch , kiss and wake up slowly. I love waking up all dreamy and blurry like that.

We went down to "the falls" for a hike. We hadn't been there before but had meaning to go for ages. It was really lovely, such a beautiful place. The waterfalls aren't very big but the surroundings are! There are huge trees, just the biggest I've ever seen, ( I am from the appalachian mountains and it's gorgeous there, but THIS is amazing!) and lush green ferns growing all up the sides of the gulley. There are ten-thousand shades of green. It was peaceful, quiet, and pretty much private. It was just Wally and me walking through this wonderful place together.

I was feeling like a graceful princess and ruler of my own little world... right up until I went sliding down the steep decline through the gravel... funny how when you start sliding through gravel you can't really get your footing again. Wally tried to help me keep my balance as we were holding hands at the time, but that wasn't to be... gravity had it's hold on me. I ended up ripping a hole in the knee of my favorite jeans (it's okay they already had a hole in the other knee... so now it matches...) and I skinned my knee... and have gravel embedded in it... still.

When we got home Wally played doctor (hehe) and cleaned me up, picking tiny shards of gravel out of my knee. There's one little peice still in there that won't come out yet.

At any rate my injuries were nothing that a nap and a good hair messin' couldn't cure.

Although Dani had made plans to sleep over at a friends house that night, well... I had to be in to work at midnight. Wally and I took the time that we had.

I got off of work at 8:30am and rushed home to change and grab my computer to get to my appointment to donate plasma. I was back home by 11:30am to spend the afternoon sketching and planning new paintings and brainstorming. My mind just seems to be going non-stop... just like my body. Anyway, I think I may have hit upon a good idea... a REALLY good idea. I'm still mulling it over.

This morning I had to be in at 4am and work until 12:30pm. My head wasn't with me at work but I still churned out beautiful product. Everything I baked today ( or was it yesterday?) came out perfect. My mind was somewhere else. I'm trying to put this idea together... I dunno... it might be nothing... then again it might be something.

I picked up a few groceries after work and spent the afternoon and evening thinking and working on a new piece.

I couldn't sleep.

I'm excited about this.

So now here I am writing for a few, but I have to cut it short. I am "in" at midnight at work again and I have plasma donation right after and... oh... another bizzy day.

A lot has happened. I've been pretty busy working.

I worked so much last week that I didn't go to donate plasma. Yeah, I need the money, but I also have to stay strong and healthy. The winter taught me a lesson there. It's best to skip a week here and there than to keep pushing it until I'm not well enough to donate for months, which is what happened to me before...

Dani Dearest broke up with her boyfriend. ( I feel like I'm entitled to call her a crappy name for a while considering all the shit she's put me through... so there, bleah.. *sticking my tongue out* with slobber.. ) I was relieved to see that happen.

She's been really busy here lately. School is ending on Friday but the teachers gave up on it last week. Everything has been field trips and crap that costs money. Yeah, there went over a hundred bucks to field trips and junk for school. Thanks... I wasn't planning on that. Wasn't the 15 bucks for the yearbook that she'll never look at again after she turns 20 enough?

Whatever... I fully realize that the things that I think are frivilous and silly are things that most other people go completely apeshit bananas over.

How many people would say, "Oh if my house was burning down I'd run in to save my photo albums!" For real! How many people say that? Oh, think I just heard a few mouths drop open. Fine. You'd risk your life to save some photos. No, maybe they cannot be replaced... but really, if they are so frigging important to you maybe they should be hanging on your wall rather than crammed into a book that you hardly ever look at or stuck in a box that you can't remember exactly where you put.

Yeah, so anyway... Jake sent Dani some stuff.

There was some more fussing over a stupid fucking phone. I swear I would like to take her cell phone and take the heel of my shoe and...

It was all stupid. Dani wanted a new cell phone. Jake was going to get it for her and sent her the money. (He cannot pay child support but OMG she NEEDS a fancy cell phone!!!) Wally took her down to get her fancy cell phone. She couldn't get it because she needs to have a Pacific Northwest number. Jake, in his absolute ignorance totally refuses to change her number from a Florida number to a Washington number.

No new cell phone. One pissed off Dani Dearest that Wally and I have to live with.

This is priceless... I promise.

Jake sent Dani her photo album. ( I have all of these photos on disk ) But yeah, here's the book... and... uh... do I smell cat piss? Yes, I smell... oh no...

We sat down together as we went through it. (Her book was not all the way finished as when she was little our house was robbed, Jake went to Jacksonville to work and be with HIS FAMILY, and my brother Marvin had Tuberculosis and moved in with us. Life was rather messy back then.)

Yeah, so the pictures ended at a point... but Jake, in his infinate wisdom, had completed it... "Who's that?" Dani is asking. "Um.. That's your cousin Heather when she was little," ... "Where is this? Was I ever there?" she asks. Oh good... He just randomly threw in photos of Captiva Island where we went for our honeymoon and also pics of Hawaii from the following year. That was before the kids were even born.

I am sure that all of those pictures were meant for Dani. *Big SIGH*

I've been working and I've been seriously tired. Tired like falling asleep at the computer and talking about work in my sleep. At least I wasn't sleepwalking. Although it was amusing to a point and made for great blob fodder, it was scary as hell cause I never knew what I might do next.

I've been having sleeping problems again. I suppose I always will. I'm blaming it on the heat for right now. We had quite a heat wave. It has been in the 80's. I know, I know... I feel like a pansy, but now I live in an area where the average temperature is like 51, so 80 is really hot. We have no air-conditioners here. It is also daylight for about 20 hours a day now. That doesn't help.

I'm looking for a second job. There isn't much out there.

I'd hoped that the art sites might do something but they aren't. Val has sold a couple of greeting cards and has people asking for T-shirts. Maybe I'll try doing t-shirts... Heck I don't know.

I did finally get "featured" though. In my group site "If It Doesn't Belong" (isn't that sweet?)


Here's the pic...





and tomorrow... Wally and I will have been married one year. Do you believe it?

Work has been nuts and life has been busy. Dani Dearest hasn't had me going too crazy so that's a good thing.

Between yesterday and today I had less than 11 hours turn-around time. (Thank You Almighty Union #0, sarcasm sarcasm).. Today was really busy at work because it's graduation weekend.

I got home to "celebrate" Drawing Day.

It was just something that I really wanted to do.

I didn't get to do as much as I wanted to (although I really am pretty fast at sketching) I just ran out of time and I especially ran out of energy.

Just like a wind-up toy, winding down...down.....down.

I had eight things planned but I only managed to finish three entries.




Gotta run jump in bed I am in at 4am.. Ugh.

Work was craptastic. I worked another ten hour shift and still didn't get everything done that I should've. I wore out. Sometimes I really think that I'm getting too old for this bakery junk.

I couldn't wait to get home, sit on the balcony, inhale the sunshine and melt into peacefulness and watch the birds.

The Allen hummingbirds have been frequenting our neighbors feeder. These guys are a redish brown with a white ring around their neck. You can hear them before you see them. When they fly they sound like that funky cartoon Jetson's flying car. Their chirp or call or whatever sounds like someone blowing kisses, a series a rapid kisses. They are so sweet and I feel like I am so lucky to even see such a thing in my lifetime.

The dragon is coming along. I've now given almost the whole thing another coat of paint, haha! The background has another new solid smooth coat on it. The body has all been redone. I'm working on his head now and he's changing. I know he's getting rather dark looking, but don't worry the highlights will come soon. I'm excited by how he is coming along. I think he's going to be the best piece I've done yet.

I'm also excited by "Drawing Day" and I'm participating in this for Red Bubble, or for me rather. It's coming right up. On Saturday June 6th I am going to "draw" or sketch as much as I can and upload it towards "Drawing Day". The purpose is trivial to some I suppose... It's just to remember the first time you drew something and felt like an artist, like when you were five and got your picture hung up in front of the class with a gold star on it.

The goal is to have one million drawings within 24 hours by people that love to draw. ( Or maybe the goal is just to overload the nets with our trivial uploads.)

From what I understand you're not supposed to do any of this ahead of time. So, I am just working it out in my head what I want to draw that day, jotting notes so that I remember. I'm thinking I might do some video as I sketch. I don't know yet but it seems like a neat idea. I love watching other people do that.

I'm also open to suggestions for sketches... so let me know... what would you like to see me draw?

This kinds of reminds me of years ago when my kids were quite little and Marvin was with us and we were having such a nice life. I would sit with a sketch pad and ask the kids what they wanted me to draw and I'd draw it... just cartoon style. It had to be fast and basic because they wanted to see something now. They usually asked for simple things like bunnies or cows. Sometimes they asked for hard things like a tree blowing bubbles. I always felt good because they were always impressed even if it was crap... I miss that.

I still adore my kids just the way they are. I just wish they were the same towards me.

There be dragons...

Old...



New...

It's already been a long week full of long days and it isn't over yet. I don't have much time so I'll just hit the highlights.

Wednesday I worked a 4am.12:30pm. shift. That is the day that our sale week starts. By some quirk of fate our donuts (which are already "on sale" for a year) are on sale even more. They're another dollar off. How does 3 dollars a dozen sound? So I'm not complaining, right? Besides, it means that I can get overtime, which means... I can delay getting a second job for a few more mili-seconds.

One of the perks to working ( and practically living ) in a grocery store?... is that you get to hit a lot of specials that you'd normally miss!

They had a "one day only" special, whole chickens for 59 cents a pound that day. I could not pass that up. For 7 dollars I bought three chickens. I got home to find that we're out of freezer bags. I know. It may not seem like a big deal to you. It was never a big deal to me before. Here? It's a problem. Stuff never THAWS. If I was to throw a whole chicken in its bag up in three freezer? Wuhhh.. it would take a week and a half to thaw that bird out. I am not kidding. I have never seen anything like it. At least when it's cut up we can defrost it in the fridge for several days and then finish thawing it in the sink.

I got home late so I ended up being rushed to my appointment at BlobLife. I changed clothes and inhaled some leftovers and went to donate plasma. I took my computer because it keeps me awake and yet I STILL managed to doze off, and be awakened and scolded by techs.

When I got home I didn't feel well. I was just really sick to my stomach. I laid on the couch and the next thing I knew I woke up and it was nearly time for bed.

Thursday I had another long day at work and when I was off I was trying to figure out how to balance the few dollars that I had left this week. I put three dollars in gas in the car using my BlobLife debit card. (that was all I had left on it) Then I headed to the dollar store for freezer bags. I had 2.50 in my pocket so I was able to pick up the baggies and a six pack of Mondo juice thingys for Dani too. Then I made a stop at BlobLife to make an appointment for the today.

I got home "late" since I'd run all the errands. I changed clothes and went to sit on the balcony as I have been dying to do. The weather is just GORGEOUS right now... warm sunshine, cool beeze, clear skies... The cottonwood trees are "shedding" again and little white puffs of fuzz are floating around making our jungle look like a fairyland. We have a few new birds to watch this year including a black hooded grossbeak and an Allen hummingbird.

I worked on the dragon all evening and stayed up too late. Once I get started painting I don't want to stop. It's kind of weird how that goes... I have to make myself start... then I have to totally force myself to stop.

Wally and I are fine... more than fine. We're human, we make mistakes, and we are fragile, we get our feelings hurt. We don't fight. We talk and we understand each other.

He's setting up a couple more art sites for me, places where we can sell it and working on promoting it. These are sites that I don't have to deal with and don't have time to deal with. He's pausing at working on Val's site but I do hope that he continues that too.

Today I worked an hour over and agreed to work an extra day next week. ( Eight hours overtime, time and a half, yeah baby! ) I also found a "help wanted" sign and I'm going to apply. I also agreed to work a ten hour shift tomorrow, that's overtime too. Yes!

I got paid so I rushed to the bank after work and then rushed home to change and head out again. I went back to donate plasma again. I took my computer again. I dozed again a bit, but I didn't get caught this time! In the meantime Wally took the car and put gas in it and air in the tire and ran errands, then came back to pick me up.

I came home exhausted. It seems like donating really takes the stuffing out of me sometimes.

It's already been a long couple of days. Everything's garbled, complicated and messy... it's my fault.

I started a bit of a rift with Wally. I need some help here. It's killed me to have to ask for help. Figure out a way for me to make some money online, sell my art, geez I don't know, figure out something.

He does help me. He takes care of me. He does it all for me... He gets me up, cleans, cooks, does laundry, takes care of my daughter, drops her off and picks her up and acts as a go-between for me and her. It's nice... it's really, really nice. I'm taken care of.

I used to have to take care of everything by myself.

Now I don't know why I'm wanting to complain.

Oh yeah... This would be perfect... if we could survive.

I am not wanting to get a second job. I don't want to work two jobs. I did it last year and I almost... I don't want to work another job. If I could just earn a little bit here using my time at home or if Wally could do it for me while I'm working? Oh, I don't know. I'm just grasping at straws and I know I am.

Wally has been working on Val's art site, pretty much non-stop. Meanwhile, I am seeing nothing happen with mine. I'm just finding it really hard to be a good sport about this as hard as I try.

I don't want to work two jobs.

I am tired enough just working one.


(I told ya they might be short. I told ya they might be bad. This is one of them.) It's 11 pm and I have to get up at 3am for work and then I have a very long day ahead of me. I just have no more time for this tonight.

I don't know where today went.

I was supposed to go in today at 4am but I got called to switch shifts, so I went in at midnight. Fine with me. The earlier I get in the earlier I get out.

Since it's Memorial Day there's no point in trying to job hunt. I planned to spend the day painting and working on projects. I was full of energy when I got home at nine this morning. I planned to do some painting, some sketching, pull out those markers... and play some games, and cook some mushroom polenta. You know, lots of plans.

I think the dragon is coming along nicely. Here's an old update...




I'm finding my old style coming back, (or is it my new one?) as I keep going here. Still to this day I think of my art teacher in high school. "No black... ever," he'd say. He even took my black acylic away from me once... Today I'm using a lot of black.

For the dragon I want smooth blending, sharp lines, the darkest of darks and brightest of lights, a lot of contrast. I'm going to redo his face, I must do something with the background and I'm planning to give him wings... We will see. Usually what I plan and what I end up with are two entirely different things.

Here's what he looks like now...



I didn't get any more done on him yesterday. I ate some leftovers because I was starving and then I broke into the can of cashews. (Add cashews to my "sleepy food" list.) I woke up on the couch bleary eyed and groggy FIVE hours later. Ugh... that was not what I wanted to do!

I was sort of struggling to get myself awake and alert. I wanted to spend the rest of the evening painting... but.

Wally was working on setting up a Red Bubble and a MosiacGlobe site for Val... When she saw mine she decided that she wanted to get into it too. Which is great! I couldn't be more pleased. She had suggested that he do that for me in the first place, and he did a lot of research and found the sites that he thought would be good and I agreed. From there he said he didn't know what I'd want. I'm sure he could've done it himself and I really wanted him to because of my lack of time. I'm also sure I would've changed things because I am finicky and persnickety when it comes to some things. So, in the end, I set up the sites.

Val only has limited internet access at work and none at home, so she has been emailing all of her artwork and details to Wally so he can set up her sites just like he set up mine... hmm...

Every few minutes it was something... "Baby? How do I crop this?"... "Umm.. I can't get the cropping thingy to work,"... "The corner is cut off of this one, and there's a smudge on that one, can it be fixed?"..."How do I get the embedded watermarks in these?"... "With Print Shop Pro?.. Oh... I don't have that on my computer anymore,"... "This one didn't upload. It says it's too small. What do I do?"...

So. I found myself going to get the Print Shop Pro disk for him, and cropping a bit, and airbrushing smudges and blank corners out by matching the colors, and showing him how to embed watermarks, and how to resize photos, and how to put her name in print across work that went into MosaicGlobe since they don't do a visible watermark automatically like Red Bubble does.

It was okay. Once I showed him how to do things he was able to keep going on his own. Then he said, "You know, this Print Shop Pro thing is really very easy,"... At that point I felt myself come a little bit unhinged... I have had that program for YEARS and I don't think it's so freeking easy. It was VERY hard for me to learn and I STILL can't do everything with it that I'd like to do! I am STILL learning and looking up tutorials and reading the massive manual that came with it that's full of gobbly-gook that I cannot seem to comprehend.

"You knooooww," I said, "This is starting to become irritating,"

He looked at me with sheepish little boy eyes and I was finding it impossible to be mad, as he said, "Yeah, I know. I'd already thought of that,"

Well... At least he was thinking of it.

I don't know where the last couple of days went.

I've been busy. The days went past me in a blur. All I've done is work, eat, tinker with the dragon painting and sleep.

Friday was payday, thank goodness! So it was errand day... put gas in the car, air in the tire, banking, and shopping.

Wally and I stopped at a discount store to see if we could pick him up some dish-washing powder. He's been hand-washing things for a while now instead of using the machine. We used to always get the powder stuff at the dollar store but now they haven't had any for a long time. At the discount store we got lucky and found some for two dollars and it wasn't a bad deal because the box was twice the size as the ones we used to get at the dollar store. We also ran across NUTS! I couldn't believe my eyes!... cashews that I could actually afford!

Then we went to get a few groceries... and I do mean a few. I'm not getting "assistance" anymore because they want to attach Tony's income onto mine. I need to prove that he's no longer living with us and that's been difficult since he's just renting a room. There is no lease or signed agreement to use as proof.

We also went by the office supply store. I wanted to look at markers. My plan was to just LOOK. I swear. I wanted to see what they had and price them. They just happened to have an awesome massive set of Sharpies and they were ON SALE. I couldn't resist. I've been wanting a set since last year. So far I've not had them time to do anything with them except look at them.

The only thing I've managed to do with my art is a few brush strokes on the dragon and I added the painting that I recently restored to my RedBubble gallery and I entered it in a contest there.

Here it is.


Work has been really busy since Memorial Day is coming up. I haven't been working over eight hours a day but I've been working really hard and I come home exhausted. The commute is getting to be rather hard on me too since the road I travel in under construction. They're expanding it because of the Olympics being held in Vancouver next year.

Yesterday I worked from 4am to 12:30pm. I really don't like the shift. I still have to get up super early and I don't get home until after 1pm, so I feel like my day is half over. I'd rather have the earlier shift, especially since I'm still looking for a second job and I think that being available pretty much all day AND all evening will increase my options.

After I got home Wally and I sat out on the balcony overlooking our "jungle" as we talked about our day. We watched all of the birds and marveled over the hummingbirds that we are seeing more and more of.

It was seven in the evening before I knew it.

The last thing I remember is Wally offering me another hamburger as I'd finished one and I said, "Oh no, I don't think so. It'll put me to sleep and I want to enjoy some more of this evening," I was planning on spending some time painting.

Well? I had another burger and fell over, dead asleep. So add hamburgers to my "sleepy food" list.

I was looking forward to going back to work today. I do like this shop that I'm at. It's a bit weird but it's the closest that I've felt to comfortable in a workplace since I've been out here.

I'm not going to talk about work here. That's for The Donut Hole. I'll just say that the day itself was busy but mind-numbing. Still... maybe that's what I needed.

I left here with the gas light on in my car. I have a little bit of a commute. I don't work in the town that I live in. My car gets pretty outstanding gas mileage so I wasn't too worried. I took the phone with me, just in case. I figured that if I DID happen (by some off-the-wall chance) to run out of gas on my way in, I'd just call work and I'm sure one of the night-crew would come to get me... If they answered the phone, that is...

I managed to pour part of my traveler mug of coffee straight down my chest about two minutes after I left the apartment complex. Brilliant. Coffee stains look so awesome on bakers whites. I made it to work, no problem. I knew I would.

I got there at midnight and walked out at 8:30 that morning. I was in a rush. I had an appointment at Bloblife for plasma donation. Now, did I make it for 8:45 or 9:45? Egads! I HAD to get gas... hmm... bank card? No. There's eight dollars in the account but there's still a check out from Dani's school. (They take FOR-FRIKKING-FOREVER to deposit checks. I swear!) I had a one dollar bill in my pocket. My Bloblife card. Yes. There's three dollars left on there. I managed to squirt a little over one gallon of gas in my car... that'll get me home.

I went straight to Bloblife. I got there at 9am only to find out that my appointment was indeed for 8:45. Drats!... I missed it... They were able to reschedule me at 10:30, which was great. Usually that doesn't happen.

I came on home. I planned to shower but I kind of ran out of time. I ate, changed clothes and packed up my puter to take with me ( you can take computers, cell phones, portable DVD players or game things to play with while you donate) and I've enjoyed that. I'm more likely to stay awake if I have my puter. With my hours here lately if I try to read while I'm there I start to doze and you're not allowed to do that.

I don't know... the old Blobife thing hasn't held the same charm for me anymore as it once did. There have been things happen. Well, geez, this winter I got so run down, my levels of protein and iron were so low that I wasn't allowed to donate. When I finally got back to being healthy enough, it was hard to go back and get into the routine of it again. When I returned there were all new techs there and the people I'd felt comfortable with were moved into different positions. Then there were a series of bad experiences there.

I left there with thirty bucks on my Bloblife card. I made a quick stop by the grocer to pick up tampons for Dani and get cash back... gas money.

Blech. I don't feel like writing. It's been a crappy day and I'm mostly tired of plodding along like everything's okay... although I suppose I don't have a choice.

The excitement of the day was finding an eviction notice taped to our door this morning.

They had to have put it up there sometime after Dani left for school. However it was dated yesterday and informed us that we have THREE days from the date to pay 750 dollars or VACATE!!!! ( Gawd I love their little notes.)

The really hilarious part of this is that our rent has been paid.

Wally sat down to call them. I guess the twit on the other end of the line asked him if he could fax in a copy of the receipt we received when we paid the rent. (Don't THEY have a copy of it?)

The next thing I knew I was watching the phone bounce on the carpeted floor and Wally was out the door going down there to jerk a knot in somebodys tail.

We had receipts. The receipt that they wrote us and the receipt from the cashiers check that I used to pay it.

I waited here and went on with things... Since I didn't get called to work my project for today was restoring another one of my old paintings. It cleaned up rather nice. I just felt like I had to concentrate on that rather than sit here and go nuts.

From what Wally said he really came unglued at the property management place. They just hadn't "posted" our payment yet. Duh, gee, sorry 'bout that.

I go back to work tonight at midnight. I guess I'd better try to get some sleep and put the last couple of days behind me.

I can't wait to go back to work.